There’s a crime being committed in stadiums all across the country. Whether it’s in a big market, a small market or in minor league towns and fields played next to cow pastures and slaughter houses, the misuse of walk-up music has become an epidemic. With Spring Training on the horizon, something must be done. There’s hope, you see. I am here to help.
At-bat songs are important. Why else would they exist? Why else would a professional baseball player making millions of dollars need to hear a few bars of Ram Jam’s “Black Betty” while taking a few practice cuts, unstrapping, then restrapping his gloves, digging his feet into the dirt next to the plate, looking down at the bat as he holds it before him and taking a quick breath, then holding the bat out towards the pitcher with his off-arm, then step back out of the box asking the umpire for a time out before taking a few more practice swings and doing it all over again.
I mean, without the kick-ass music all that would look kind of ridiculous.
I think that at-bat music should do more than fire you up. It should send a clear, concise message. A message aimed specifically at the pitcher you’re about to face and the crowd watching the game.
This is obviously not a view that all professional baseball plays subscribe to. Just look at the starting line-up of last year’s Arizona Diamondbacks and their music of choice. There’s a reason you were the worst team in Major League Baseball, gentlemen.
1. Ender Inciarte – “Vivir Mi Vida” by Marc Anthony
2. Aaron Hill – “Blind” by Korn
3. Paul Goldschmidt – “It’z Just What We Do” by Florida-Georgia Line
4. Miguel Montero – “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osborne
5. Mark Trumbo – “The Focus” by Cloudkicker
6. Cody Ross – “Right Above It” by Lil Wayne
7. Chris Owings – “Barefoot Blue Jean Night” by Jake Owen
8. Didi Gregorius – “Notorious” by Notorious BIG
9. Wade Miley – “Thank God I’m a County Boy” by John Denver
That entire song list is a nightmare. If the DJ at a party was playing it you’d hit him with a folding chair. John Denver, Wade Miley? Do you want to be urine-tested after every game? That Florida-Georgia Line song probably sounded awesome when a stripper took to the pole at the Hi Liter Gentlemen’s Club, Paul Goldshmidt, but as an at-bat song it leaves a lot to be desired. Aaron Hill needs to be checked for self-inflicted cut marks after picking that Korn song and Chris Owings? That Jake Owen song has a menstrual cycle.
So, Diamondbacks (and whoever you end up pushing out on the diamond this season), along with the rest of the MLB because you’re almost all just as bad, here are my suggestions for some great walk-up songs that you need to make a part of your life today.
But before I start, I want to be clear. A great at-bat song is what it is. And it isn’t a great stadium song. The aforementioned “Black Betty” from Ram Jam, a fantastic stadium song. Montero’s choice of Crazy Train from Ozzy Osborne probably screwed up the fourth inning plans of every home game he was behind the plate. Same with Guns ‘n Roses “Welcome to the Jungle” and AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck.” These are all great songs and should be played during warm ups, as the team takes the field, as the pitcher takes a few practice tosses, whatever.
And, as a side note stadium runners, you should only play “Sweet Home Alabama” if you are actually in Alabama, for God’s sake. And playing “Back in Black” when Black is not one of your team colors is just stupid. You know who you are.
Here’s the list and the message each song sends the opposition.
“Gigantic”, The Pixies
If I have to tell you why a song about a woman lovingly bragging about her male acquaintance’s, shall we say, “stature” would make a tremendous at-bat song, then you have no business swinging a bat in public. Since we’re on The Pixies, we might as well add…
“Hey”, The Pixies
The message here is right in the first line of the song. You’re excited to meet this pitcher, who you will soon send back to Triple-A baseball with a career night at the plate.
“Iron Man”, Black Sabbath
Back when I was a kid, the Road Warriors/Legion of Doom used to storm the ring of the old NWA as this song played and I still, do this day, think it’s the most badass entrance music in history. You want to hear a baseball crowd lose its mind? Let that first drum hit start over the speakers. What a rush.
“The Man Comes Around”, Johnny Cash
A song about the end times when “the man” delivers his just punishment to those who have earned it. What could a pitcher possibly read from that? If you can’t hit 50 home runs walking up to the plate to this song, you need to pick another sport more your speed. Like badminton or dressage.
“Who’s Lovin’ Your Mama”, Kennedy
Maybe it’s time to get a little personal with your walk-up song. Maybe you want to insinuate you’ve met and become great friends with the pitcher’s sainted mother and now know her in the Biblical sense. Or you could go even further with…
“Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon”, Neil Diamond
Just look at that pitcher out on the mound, so innocent and naïve, thinking he’ll retire you in three pitches and keep his virtue intact. No chance of that if you walk up with this song playing over the loudspeaker. He’ll get the message. He’ll be making the walk of shame with his cleats in his hands before the night is over.
There you have it. Was that so hard? I could toss in some honorable mentions like “Kiss” by Prince or “It’s a Man’s World” by James Brown, but you don’t need them. You’ve got this now, Diamondbacks or whoever. This problem is solved. Sorted, as the British say.
As always, you are welcome.
