Ultimately, this is kind of my fault. Not specifically. Like I didn’t create Corey Feldman or give him a job or invite him to sing through his nose in front of a couple of ex Hooters waitresses at a minor league ballpark. But tangentially, because of my age and taste in movies as a kid and teenager, this is my generation’s fault.
The State College Spikes are the Low-A affiliate of the St. Louis Cardinals and, like many other minor league teams, want to augment its product with live performances from time to time. Sometimes its music, sometimes its celebrities and sometimes it’s just guys dressed up like giant hot dogs. It could be anything.
That’s why the Spikes brought in Corey Feldman and his Angels band to meet and greet fans, sign autographs and, I guess, sing if he had to. Here is the result.
Feldman performed his “songs,” danced like a store-brand Michael Jackson and refused to meet and talk to fans, no matter how pathetic they were to actually want to meet him. Because of that and the fact that so many people purposely drove sharp implements into their ears to escape the sounds coming from Feldman’s face, the Spikes issued an official apology.
Statement from the Spikes on last night's Corey Feldman appearance pic.twitter.com/mvU8yJBoAE
— State College Spikes (@SCSpikes) July 20, 2015
“We would also like to apologize to our fans for the appearance being so far below expectations,” it says. This begs the question, what were the fans expecting from Corey Feldman? Well, I’ll tell you.
The year before the Spikes had a very successful “Retro Night” starring none other than Alfonso Ribeiro, who you might know as Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and the only young dancer Michael Jackson didn’t molest.
Ribeiro, happy to be out of his efficiency apartment and eating a hot meal, was a hit, signing autographs and taking pictures with fans, and doing the Carlton because what the Hell else is he going to do in public?
“He (Feldman) did not want to do any of that,” Spikes GM Scott Walker told a local newspaper. “We went from the nicest guy in the world (Ribeiro) to something else (Feldman, if you missed the context clues).”
Maybe next year they’ll be smart enough to bring in a sure-fire draw like Mindy Cohn from Facts of Life or the guy that played Skippy on Family Ties. You know, some real star power.
For the last few years Feldman, while starring in hit movies like Zero Dark Dirty, Zombex and Bikini Bandits, has been trying to advance his singing career.
The “song” he’s performing in front of the shellshocked and terrified audience at the Spikes was “Ascension, Millennium,” a tune made famous because its video is, officially, the worst one ever filmed in human history. If you don’t believe me, Google it.
Here it is. Enjoy.
And if you watched that you know that Sean Astin really doesn’t leave any of his friends behind.
Now, none of that is my, or my generation’s fault. What is our fault is that any of you know Corey Feldman exists. You see, there was a time in the 1980s that people actually wanted to see Corey Feldman in movies. And they were good movies.
Feldman’s IMDB page is a sobering story of failure, bad choices and drug use all on its own. A career that started with Gremlins, The Goonies, Stand By Me and The Lost Boys devolves into My Life as a Troll and Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys.
I even liked the stuff he did as an older kid like License to Drive, The ‘Burbs and Dream a Little Dream. He co-starred with Tom Hanks in The ‘Burbs, for God sake. Everybody my age watched those movies. Everybody my age loved them. Everybody my age is to blame for “Ascension, Millennium.” Damn us all.
The horrible performance that comes from a Corey Feldman appearance made public had repercussions across the nation this week. Feldman tried to defend himself on Twitter, but for some reason no one would take the star of From Rags to Reuben seriously.
@NovaSinclare @Complex_Sports it was like working w The 3 Stooges! Everything was done wrong, and we get the blame?!? Lol!
— Corey Feldman (@Corey_Feldman) July 20, 2015
It got worse for Feldman when he was fired as the emcee of the Special Olympics torch lighting ceremony in Los Angeles. Feldman thinks it was because “of the defamatory and untrue statements that Spikes general manager Scott Walker made after my recent appearance in State College, PA.”
I think it had a lot more with Corey’s threat that he’d “prepared (new songs) especially for this year.” Something that no one, especially the most gentle among us, should be forced to suffer through.
