Hey everybody! How are you doing tonight? I’m not so good. I’m here in the Comedy Cellar and the last time I was in a dump this bad I threw four touchdowns against the Cleveland Browns.
My old friend Tom Brady is in the news a lot lately trying to fight his punishment for deflating footballs. Tom’s afraid his name will be forever tainted. But I told him he shouldn’t worry. When I think of him, the first word that has always come to my mind is “taint.”
I actually ran into Tom and Gisele the other day. It was nice to see them and how well Tom is raising my two kids. You know, I thought I was going to have to tell Gisele to stop calling me, but I had to change my cell number after that Ashley Madison hack anyway.
How about that courtroom sketch of Tom? That was rough. Tom looked so disheartened and depressed in that drawing I just automatically thought I’d won another Super Bowl.
A lot of people look at me and ask, “Hey, Eli. What’s it like to live in a more talented, better-looking older brother’s shadow?” And I always say the same thing. I’ve never held Cooper’s success in the energy sector against him. I’m proud of what he’s accomplished.
Of course I have another older brother you might have heard of; Peyton Manning. Yes, people like to compare us a lot and it’s always tough to compete with that. It’s not fair, really. I mean, I’ve lever lost a Super Bowl.
Thanksgiving is always fun at our house. My mom Olivia is a jokester. Last year she brought out the turkey and, boy, did it look good. All brown and juicy and we all wondered who was going to get to carve it. She said, “I think it should be carved by the one with the best post-season win record… not so fast, Peyton.”
We all had a big laugh out of that one. Then dad pretended to get up and I shot beer out of my nose. That dude is crazy.
But you know, I kid my brother Peyton. I’m sure he’s going to end up in the Hall of Fame after he retires. As long as there’s not some sort of playoff to get in.
Go ahead and heckle all you want. I’ve dealt with it plenty of times in Philadelphia. You know, one time Eagles fans actually booed Santa Clause. He had to leave the state and become head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs.
A few years ago I said I was an “Elite” quarterback and it made some news. People had a lot to say about that. But the way I figure it there’s only three guys in the league that have won multiple rings and I’m the only one that’s never been accused of cheating or a sex crime, so that sounds pretty elite to me.
That’s my time folks. The red light back there is flashing so it either means I need to get off the stage or Jim Irsay is getting pulled over for drunk driving again. This was fun and if you don’t think I sucked bad enough, just wait until you see our next comedian – Chris D’elia!
