It’s that day of the week again and it’s time to dole out some gold stars and some old-school spankings. It was a bad week for almost everybody, even teams that won. Stars were injured, survivor pools ruined and college funds were raided to buy food. It was like Fear the Walking Dead, only with less golf and more shots to the head.
1. New England Patriots – (2-0) The stage is set for a long Patriots undefeated run, thanks to injuries and total team collapses. At this point the only thing that can stop the Patriots from making the playoffs is a massive dose of karma and, if the Patriots’ continued success proves anything, karma seems to ignore them an awful lot. Last week: No. 1
2. Green Bay Packers – (2-0) Aaron Rodgers was razor sharp, but what should really put the fear of whatever elder god is trapped under the frozen hallscape of Green Bay, Wisc. is that the Packers defense is playing out of its mind. Last week: No. 3
3. Dallas Cowboys – (2-0) Yes, we all know this is too high, but I want to let the Cowboys fans enjoy it for a while. You’re 2-0 and beaten two teams you hate to get there. The Falcons are going to drop you this week, but there’s nothing wrong with enjoying your comp hotel room before your chips run out. Last week: No. 3
4. Pittsburgh Steelers – (1-1) The Steelers move up to No. 4 not by beating the 49ers, which was foretold as soon as that game showed up on the schedule, but because most of the teams in this spot dropped so far. Still, it was a solid performance against a solid dog turd of a team and not every NFL squad can say that after Sunday. Last week: No. 9
5. Atlanta Falcons – (2-0) This is an entirely different Falcons team under Dan Quinn. Resilient, strong on defense, and never out of the game on offense. They’re 2-0 because of it and get the weakest Cowboys team since Vinny Testerverde was its quarterback on the schedule this week. Last week: No. 12
6. Denver Broncos – (2-0) Somehow this Peyton Manning, the most physically handicapped version of all time, is setting himself up for another AFC West title and, with this defense, possibly a lengthy playoff run. If the Broncos can put a running game together, those preseason Super Bowl bets might be worth something. Last week: No. 14
7. Arizona Cardinals – (2-0) Already sitting atop the NFC West, there’s nothing any team wants more than to see the 49ers show up on the schedule. The Cardinals are averaging 40 points on offense over their first two games, while giving up 20 points a game on defense. That’s high, but the 49ers will do their best to help bring that average down. They’re here to help. Last week: No. 10
8. Cincinnati Bengals – (2-0) The Bengals officially took the crown of “future playoff disappointment” away from the Chargers with their win last Sunday. Now they have the Ravens, who they seem to own, coming up on the schedule this week. A good team puts the Ravens out of their misery, but the Bengals had the same chance last year against the Patriots and we all saw how that turned out. Last week: No. 11
9. New York Jets – (2-0) The Jets make the biggest jump of the week after their 2-0 start, but it’s still hard to tell how good they are since the Colts have decided not to play NFL football this season. The Jets don’t have any legitimate competition on the schedule until Oct. 25, so I’ll go ahead and congratulate Todd Bowles on his 5-0 start. Last week: No. 24
10. Buffalo Bills – (1-1) Rex Ryan said he and his team talked too much leading up to the blowout loss to the Patriots on Sunday. The fans and their billboards may have helped a little. The upcoming schedule doesn’t look too friendly either, so you might want to cancel the airplane banners and fireworks shows. Last week: No. 4
11. Seattle Seahawks – (0-2) Yes, the Seahawks are 0-2, but there’s no reason for them to panic. If the rest of their schedule was filled with any more cupcakes, Russell Wilson would lose a foot to diabetes. And, hey, Kam Chancellor is coming back. They’ll be fine. Last week: No. 6
12. Carolina Panthers – (2-0) With the Saints and Bucs coming up on the schedule, this season of disaster might actually turn out alright for the Panthers. Cam Newton can still keep them in any game and their schedule is so friendly it just loaned them $1,000 and let them borrow its car. Last week: No. 20
13. New York Giants – (0-2) The Giants haven’t won a game but should be the odds-on favorite as of today to win the NFC East. It’s been a rough two weeks for the rest of the teams. Last week: No. 19
14. St. Louis Rams – (1-1) It was too much to hope for that the “Same Old Sorry Ass Rams” wouldn’t make an appearance this season. Hey, at least it happened early. Last week: No. 5
15. San Diego Chargers – (1-1) And with their loss to the Bengals, the Chargers show that not only are they not ready to make the postseason this year, they also showed that maybe 8-8 could be a stretch. They’ve got the Vikings and the Browns coming up on the schedule to help turn things around. Last week: No. 8
16. Kansas City Chiefs – (1-1) The Chiefs should have picked up the gauntlet last Thursday against the Broncos, but instead, tripped and fell face-first into a pile of hose manure. Now they have the Packers coming up. Maybe don’t print up those AFC West championship shirts just yet. Last week: No. 13
17. Miami Dolphins – (1-1) Harvard’s favorite football team blows it in the final minutes against the Jaguars, giving that team its biggest win since Obama became president. I don’t think the Patriots are worried. Last week: No. 16
18. Houston Texans – (0-2) Brian Hoyer or Ryan Mallett? This isn’t a question anyone wants to know the answer to. Maybe the fact that both guys looked decent against your defense in camp means you have some real problems on your defense. Why did the Texans move up a spot? Remember the spankings I mentioned earlier? They’re coming. Last wee: No. 22
19. San Francisco 49ers – (1-1) I would say something like “there’s the pathetic 49ers team I expected to see,” but really I saw that pathetic team in Week One against the Vikings. It just turned out the Vikings were worse. Last week: No. 23
20. Minnesota Vikings – (1-1) Hey, speaking of the Vikings, here they are with a win. I’m not impressed with a win over the Lions because, frankly, if they’d lost that game Mike Zimmer should have been fired on the spot. Last week: No. 27
21. Cleveland Browns – (1-1) Everyone’s excited about how well Johnny Manziel played last week and he’s turned wideout Travis Benjamin into a fantasy monster. So, of course, the team has already named Josh McCown its starter for its home game against Oakland. It’s like they’re trying to suck. Last week: No. 28
22. Washington Redskins – (1-1) It’s hard to tell how to react after a victory against a Rams team that stayed on the plane Sunday. We’ll know more after Thursday’s game against the Giants. But don’t let that fool you into thinking I have intention of picking them to win that game, or even another game this season. Last week: No. 31
23. Tennessee Titans – (1-1) Marcus Mariota followed up his debut with a decent performance in a loss to Cleveland Sunday. On paper you’d think he’d be in for a similar experience against the Colts this Sunday, but I’ve actually seen the Colts play. He might put up another 158.3. Last week: No. 25
24. Oakland Raiders – (1-1) Derek Carr made the clutch throws when it mattered, even with an injured hand. Amari Cooper is heading for the Pro Bowl and the defense isn’t completely terrible. Somewhere Al Davis is looking up and smiling. Last week: No. 30
25. Jacksonville Jaguars – (1-1) Losing a lead in the second half usually dooms a young team like the Jaguars, but pretty much everything doomed the Jaguars until Sunday. Now let’s see them do it against New England this week. Last week: No. 29
26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – (1-1) Tampa Bay got a big win over the Saints and, more than that, Jameis Winston got a week off from the snarky vultures circling his career (of which I am one). Winston completed 66.7 percent of his passes against the Saints, threw for a touchdown and ran for a touchdown. I would say things will be tougher against the Texans this week, but that hasn’t been the case so far. Light them up, Jameis. Last week: No. 32
27. New Orleans Saints – (0-2) I can’t say an 0-2 Saints start is much of a shock. Did this team do anything in the offseason to improve from last year’s losing squad? Nope. In fact, they shed good playmakers and kept Rob Ryan as their defensive coordinator. They were asking for this. Last wee: No. 21
28. Indianapolis Colts – (0-2) And here are the first of our spankings. There’s no excuse for the Colts to be 0-2 right now, but there’s also no easy solution to the problems on the team. Andre Luck is playing a whole lot like Out-Of-Control Beard Andrew Luck and at times, looked like Over-The-Air-Antenna Andrew Luck. Luck is on pace to throw 40 interceptions this season. Last week: No. 7
29. Philadelphia Eagles – (0-2) Sam Bradford has been known to show up late in games and be just good enough to still lose in his time with the Rams. Last week in Philadelphia, he just didn’t bother showing up at all. Last week: No. 15
30. Baltimore Ravens – (0-2) It’s not just that the Ravens lost the game against the Raiders in the fourth quarter. The Ravens were barely in this game at all until the fourth quarter. And then they still lost. Last week: No. 17
31. Chicago Bears – (0-2) The Bears haven’t officially ruled out Jay Cutler against the Seahawks, so they’ve at least got that going for them. Last week: No. 26
32. Detroit Lions – (0-2) Matt Stafford hurt. Jim Caldwell looking lost on the sidelines of a winless team. This all looks really familiar. Last week: No. 18
