As a fan of the St. Louis/Los Angeles/Wherever Rams, it was tough to watch the Washington Redskins get dismantled by the New York Giants Thursday night. Not because I didn’t expect it, because I did. But because of how pathetic the Rams’ loss now looks to that same Redskins team. They should all have been vomiting into their helmets while watching that game.
To say last week was a crap week in game picks is to misuse the word “crap.” After all, crap actually can serve a purpose in the world. It can nourish crops, promote a healthy ecosystem and is just part of the natural world. Last week, on the other hand, was nothing short of an abomination. Survivor pools lay in ruins all over the country. Benches on fantasy teams piled up the points and I’m pretty sure whatever money was lost by the sportsbooks in Week One, came back ten-fold in Week Two. They’re going to be OK.
But I’ve already turned the corner this week. I picked up my first Thursday night win of the season and we’re going to keep that momentum going through the picks. I’ll note my survivor pool selections when I see them. Onward!
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Early games
Atlanta at Dallas (+1)
I’m not as down on the Cowboys’ chances with Tony Romo and Dez Bryant out as most people. While Brandon Weedon is still the guy that took a dump in the bed in Cleveland, there’s a big difference in his surrounding players and coaches in Dallas. Still, that won’t be enough to slow down the resurgent Falcons who’ve discovered what it’s like to play under a real head coach as well. Falcons 27, Cowboys 17
Indianapolis at Tennessee (+3)
If this line was put up in the preseason it probably would have been in the double digits. That shows how far the Colts have fallen since actual football that counts started. Still, this Titans team doesn’t seem ready for the big time just yet and the Colts still have some money to steal from over-eager, gullible gamblers all over the country. It’s like Peyton Manning never left. Colts 42, Titans 27 (survivor pool pick)
Oakland at Cleveland (-3.5)
How about that Browns? You’re favored in this game and all it took to ruin it was to bench your only good quarterback. I don’t believe Manziel will stay on the bench, but I don’t think he comes off it in time for it to matter. Raiders 20, Browns 17
Cincinnati at Baltimore (-2.5)
The Bengals are coming off a big playoff-caliber win over San Diego and the Ravens are barely holding onto their season. If Baltimore is going to do anything this year, this is the week they have to turn it around. The Bengals, on the other hand, can prove they’re a legitimate Super Bowl contender by putting the Ravens out of their misery. With that in mind, you probably already guessed my pick. Ravens 24, Bengals 16
Jacksonville at New England (-13.5)
The fact that this is just the second biggest spread of the week goes to show you exactly how impressed the books were with Blake Bortles’ performance at the end of the Dolphins game last week. Not impressed enough to think this won’t be a walk for the Pats, but impressed none the less. If this game was in Jacksonville, I might go against this spread, but it’s in the land of asterisks and you just can’t go against the Patriots there where they control everything but the weather and, frankly, that’s even up for debate. Patriots 38, Jaguars 20 (survivor pool pick)
New Orleans at Carolina (-3)
The Saints are in the same boat as the Ravens. They need a win this week to keep their season out of the toilet. Unfortunately, they’re not playing the Bengals, a team that basically lives in the toilet. Cam Newton will put on another highlight film and the Saints will already be working out what they can get trading Drew Brees in the offseason. Panthers 27, Saints 19
Philadelphia at New York Jets (-2)
Hey, look on the bright side, Philadelphia. At least your current head coach will be the hottest hire in college football this offseason. Oh, and your quarterback and running back are not under contract next season either. It might be time to hid the sharp objects. Jets 31, Eagles 27
Tampa Bay at Houston (-6.5)
The Texans are desperately in need of a win and a team their quarterbacks can actually play against and look who’s coming to town. Jameis Winston had a solid start last week in a win over the Saints after a disastrous Week One. This time J.J. Watt and Jadaveon Clowney will be coming at him. I don’t expect things to go as well. Texans 23, Buccaneers 13 (survivor pool pick)
San Diego at Minnesota (-2.5)
The books still haven’t figured out this Vikings team as evidenced by that -2.5 points up there. Let me help. They’re bad. You can’t count beating a Lions team that is probably one of the worst in the league as a good thing. You’ll figure it out soon enough. Chargers 30, Vikings 19
Pittsburgh at St. Louis (+1)
Since the Rams are actually underdogs in this game, there’s reason for hope in St. Louis. Under Jeff Fisher they seem to play up to their competition and then play like ass against a teams they should crush. It’s been a problem. As for the Steelers, the return of Le’Veon Bell won’t add much to the running game as DeAngelo Williams has been a fine replacement. What Bell adds is an extra dimension in the passing game. The deck is stacked against the Rams in this one. I’m picking them anyway. Rams 31, Steelers 27
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Late games
San Francisco at Arizona (-6.5)
The diaper fire that consumed the 49ers offense has yet to abate and here come the Cardinals. Arizona can take a pretty commanding lead of the NFC West with a victory over the 49ers. San Francisco, on the other hand, can appreciate watching Jim Tomsula sweat sausage gravy on the sidelines in the Arizona heat. Everybody wins. Cardinals 38, 49ers 19 (survivor pool pick)
Buffalo at Miami (-2.5)
That’s an odd line to see after the Bills barely lost to the Patriots and the Dolphins gave up a fourth-quarter lead to the Jaguars. Rex Ryan learned his lesson about running his mouth and has been extremely quiet this week. That’s probably not a good sign for Ryan Tannehill. Ndamukong Suh has been a disappointment in just two games with Miami, reportedly freelancing and not following the playbook. Shocking for a guy known to be a button-down, by-the-book kind of fellow. Bills 41, Dolphins 9
Chicago at Seattle (-14.5)
Here we see the biggest line of the week and deservedly so. Jay Cutler is probably out for the Bears, leaving them in the incapable flipper hands of Jimmy Clausen at quarterback. Meanwhile, Seattle is already fighting for its season and just got its best defensive player back in safety Kam Chancellor. Oh, and they’re still one of the four or five best teams in football. The run starts here. Seahawks 48, Bears 13 (survivor pool pick)
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Sunday night
Denver at Detroit (+3)
If Gary Kubiak didn’t learn how to call plays for Peyton Manning after the comeback win over the Chiefs last week, he should be fired on the spot. The Lions come into this game with no Matt Stafford and too much Jim Caldwell, which, frankly, is any Jim Caldwell. Broncos 27, Lions 10 (survivor pool pick)
Monday night
Kansas City at Green Bay (-7)
The Chiefs lost a heartbreaker to Peyton Manning and the Broncos last week. Drawing the Packers on Monday night football is exactly what they didn’t need. The Packers are getting the laser-sharp performance from Aaron Rodgers I predicted in the offseason, but nobody could have seen this defense Green Bay was bringing. They’ll be favored in every game they play this year. For a reason. Packers 34, Chiefs 20
This week:
Straight up: 1-0
Against the spread: 1-0
Last week:
Straight up: 5-11
Against the spread: 4-12
Surivor pool picks: 0-4
Overall:
Straight up: 13-19
Against the spread: 15-17
Survivor pool picks: 4-4
