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Friday Afternoon Quarterback: NFL Week 17 Spread Picks and Locks

Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

All but three playoff teams are set before Week 17 of the NFL season kicks off. The scheduling gods have managed to make one of the games on the docket, the Indianapolis Colts at the Tennessee Titans, a play-in game.

Your other scenarios are as follows. If the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Cincinnati Bengals and the Baltimore Ravens lose to the Cleveland Browns, the Steelers are in. If the Ravens win, they’re in regardless of what happens in Pittsburgh and if both the Steelers and Ravens lose, the Ravens are in.

In the NFC, the only spot left up for grabs is the No. 6 seed, currently held by the Minnesota Vikings. If they beat the Chicago Bears in Skol Country, they’re in. If they lose and the Philadelphia Eagles beat the Washington Redskins, the Eagles claim the spot. If both the Eagles and Vikings lose, then Minnesota is your NFC six seed.

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Related: NFL Betting Guide

With all that in mind, it’s time to go ahead fill out the rest of your bracket. Just because there are only a handful of truly meaningful games doesn’t mean we will shirk our duty here at the Friday Afternoon Quarterback.

Dallas Cowboys at New York Giants (-6.5, O/U: 41.5)

The Cowboys have absolutely nothing to play for except the prospect of being embarrassed by the Giants right before the playoffs. That would, under normal circumstances, equal a guaranteed New York victory. Here’s the hiccup, Odell Beckham Jr. won’t play and the Giants are, by my math, 0-1,372 when he’s not on the field. Cowboys 20, Giants 17

Carolina Panthers at New Orleans Saints (-7.5, O/U: 43.5)

Sean Payton claims he won’t rest his starters, in spite of the Saints having nothing to play for. But that doesn’t mean they won’t take long, three-plus quarter breaks say, after the first offensive and defensive series. Saints 23, Panthers 6

New York Jets at New England Patriots (-13.5, O/U: 45)

Todd Bowles is probably on his way out, but he can give Jets ownership plenty to think about if he can knock the Pats down to the No. 3 seed in the AFC with an upset here. Those thoughts? Whether Bowles gets fired at 7:30 p.m. EST Sunday night or 7:30 a.m Monday morning. You know, options. Patriots 24, Jets 13

Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers (-7.5, O/U: 44.5)

Aaron Rodgers has given interim head coach Joe Philbin his stamp of approval as the team’s next full time head coach, which just goes to show that Rodgers has no idea what a real NFL head coach looks like. Packers 23, Lions 17

Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans (-6.5, O/U: 40.5)

Just in case any of us thought we’d seen the Jaguars lose their last game with Blake Bortles at quarterback, we get this Christmas miracle! Texans 31, Jaguars 19

Atlanta Falcons at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+1, O/U: 52)

Dirk Koetter will be fired. Dan Quinn should be fired. Especially after the Falcons lose this game. Buccaneers 33, Falcons 30

Miami Dolphins at Buffalo Bills (-4.5, O/U: 39.5)

The Buffalo Bills are about to finish 6-10, which is six more wins than their roster deserves. Bills 17, Dolphins 14

Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs (-13.5, O/U: 52.5)

In the braintrust match up between Andy Reid and Jon Gruden, Reid is playing three dimensional chess while Gruden has both hands stuck inside Pringles cans. Chiefs 34, Raiders 10

Philadelphia Eagles at Washington Redskins (+6.5, O/U: 42)

Speaking of Grudens who shouldn’t be employed in the NFL, Jay’s tenure in Washington should be wrapping up right around Prime Time Sunday night. Just in time for the bidding war to begin with the Cleveland Browns and the Cincinnati Bengals for his services. Yes, that is a dig at both those teams. Eagles 27, Redskins 9

Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens (-5.5, O/U: 40.5)

Here we are, the first of many Baker Mayfield vs. Lamar Jackson match ups. I have a feeling this one will set the tone for the next decade and the Ravens fans aren’t going to like it. Browns 26, Ravens 20

Cincinnati Bengals at Pittsburgh Steelers (-14.5, O/U: 45.5)

That means I’m picking at least one more week of stellar Pittsburgh Dad reaction videos. You’re welcome, you yinzers! HEY TOM! Steelers 38, Bengals 13

Chicago Bears at Minnesota Vikings (-4.5, O/U: 40)

The Bears have an outside chance of getting the No. 2 seed in the NFC, but need Nick Mullens to somehow not end the day carrying Aaron Donald’s baby for it to happen. Vikings 20, Bears 17

Los Angeles Chargers at Denver Broncos (+6, O/U: 41.5)

It’s been an iffy December for the league’s best teams, but the Chargers can still cause plenty of headaches over the next month. Chargers 24, Broncos 19

Arizona Cardinals at Seattle Seahawks (-13, O/U: 38)

Pete Carroll just got an extension to ensure that he’ll be coaching in Seattle long after the polar ice caps melt and CenturyLink Field is an aquarium. Seahawks 33, Cardinals 10

San Francisco 49ers at Los Angeles Rams (-9.5, O/U: 48.5)

Todd Gurley is once again a gametime decision, but I’d prefer it if Sean McVay made a playoff decision and kept him out. Rams 34, 49ers 19

Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans (+3.5, O/U: 43.5)

Here’s a fun fact: Andrew Luck has never lost to the Tennessee Titans. Meanwhile, Blaine Gabbert lost a game of corn hole at his eight-year-old nephew’s birthday party at Chuck E Cheese last Tuesday. Colts 31, Titans 16

Last week

Straight up: 12-4

Against the spread: 9-7

Season

Straight up: 142-96-2

Against the spread: 117-123

Written by Adam Greene

Adam Greene is a writer and photographer based out of East Tennessee. His work has appeared on Cracked.com, in USA Today, the Associated Press, the Chicago Cubs Vineline Magazine, AskMen.com and many other publications.

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