If you want an example on what not to do in any situation as an NFL player, look no further than former Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel. Just do the opposite of what he does and you’re good.
Goofus and Gallant have been the stars of their own featured strip in Highlights magazine since 1948. If you’ve never heard of Highlights, then I’m sorry to hear you’re a toothless hobo, since there are copies in every dentist’s office in the universe.
Goofus and Gallant was created to teach kids basic social kids and how to be a good person. Gallant is a good friend, son, brother and citizen. Goofus is, of course, a sociopath.
The strips consist of two panels. The first showing Goofus being an asshole. The second showing Gallant almost too nice. He’s kind of a little bitch. But kids are dumb, so they need that kind of basic instruction. Lessons like “Gallant helps his little sister with her home work. Goofus hides the body where only coyotes will ever find it.”
To talk about everything Johnny Manziel, the NFL’s Goofus, has done wrong in his short career would take more space than I have here. Instead, I’m just going to focus on one of the most ridiculous offseasons any player, current or former, has experienced in recent history.
Thursday the NFL handed Manziel a four-game suspension for violation of its substance abuse policy. It’ll be hard to enforce since Manziel isn’t currently with a team and appears in no danger of signing with one anytime soon.
Manziel is currently in Cabo staying in a 20-person party mansion with people who post photos of their drugs on Snapchat.
His father Paul, in an effort to save his life, told ESPN last week that… “He’s a druggie. It’s not a secret that he’s a druggie. I don’t know what to say other than my son is a druggie and he needs help. He just hasn’t seeked it yet Hopefully he doesn’t die before he comes to his senses. That’s about all you can say. I don’t what else to say. I hate to say it, but I hope he goes to jail.”
Manziel, because he’s awesome that way, responded to his father’s call for help with a stupid post to his instagram with the hashtag #hidad.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BHNfdtKgHAk/?taken-by=jmanziel2
“Just wait on this comeback!” Johnny Football writes there, in all caps so we know he’s serious right before walking back into the house and snorting crushed up meth off a hooker’s perineum.
Manziel has it all figured out, see. He’s pledged to go sober on July 1 and really dedicate himself to an NFL return. He’s apparently trying to do it on his own after “escaping” a treatment facility last offseason.
Charles Barkley told Johnny Manziel his life is "gonna end like a bad movie" https://t.co/8MqgIdZxTF pic.twitter.com/2SS8JejUhv
— Complex (@Complex) June 30, 2016
If you think Manziel’s dad is worried about Manziel staying clean, what about the guys defending him against his domestic violence charge? Well, you don’t even have to think about that because one of his lawyers, Bob Hinton, accidentally texted the Associated Press that Manziel was seeking a plea deal that could flame out because… “Heaven help us if one of the conditions is to pee in a bottle.”
Hinton has since left Manziel’s defense team which is a shame, because the domestic violence charge isn’t the Heisman Trophy winning quarterback’s only legal trouble. At the beginning of May Johnny was sued for damaging an apartment he was renting. The server had no trouble finding Manziel to give him the court papers. He just staked out the nearest club, and viola, Manziel appeared like Beetlejuice.
For Johnny Manziel. Today, suspension. Tomorrow, sobriety
— Ed Werder (@WerderEdESPN) June 30, 2016
“Surveillance footage shows that Mr. Manziel threw large parties on both nights (at the rental property), causing extensive damage to the subject property,” attorney Niki Ghazian told ESPN. “Evidence suggests that Mr. Manziel and his guests were consuming drugs and alcohol on the property.”
You don’t say.
Manziel started six games for the Browns last season, completing 57.8 percent of his passes for 1,500 yards, seven touchdowns and five interceptions. He added 230 yards on the ground.
Future NFL players, take the lesson that Johnny Manziel seems content to deliver at the cost of his career, if not his life. Be Gallant, not Goofus.
