Tom Brady has finally given up, and much like a frustrated middle school girl who just broke up with her boyfriend, he went to Facebook to announce his capitulation on his four-game suspension for ordering two nincompoops to squeeze out his balls.
Brady will not petition the Supreme Court to hear his appeal of his suspension for cheating, instead he will somehow have to find solace in counting his millions of dollars, his four Super Bowl rings (one of them he even actually earned) and have boring missionary sex with his supermodel wife who, as Eric Cartman once explained to all of us, kind of looks like a dude.
In fact if you go to Tom Brady’s Facebook page right now you can see his tear-stained missive and the first “like” showing up under, none other than the dude in question herself, Gisele Bundchen. How sweet.
Brady wasn’t the only one to kick rocks through the internet after his ridiculous hopes of getting the Supreme Court to talk about his balls fell apart. New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft released his own statement about the decision.
Oops. That’s not it. This is it.
“While I was disappointed with the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals’ decision not to rehear Tom Brady’s case,” Kraft said. “I am must frustrated that Tom was denied his right to a fair and impartial process. The league’s investigation into a football pressure matter was flawed and biased from the start, and has been discredited nearly unanimously by accredited academics and scientists.”
That last sentence is interesting because, I have no idea which “academics and scientists” Kraft is talking about that could explain why the Patriots’ footballs were significantly less inflated than the Indianapolis Colts footballs used in the exact same game.
So I Googled it and found out physics and Ideal Gas Law somehow works differently in and around Foxboro, Mass. than it does everywhere else in the known universe and specifically works different on footballs thrown by Tom Brady, and not, say, on footballs thrown by Andrew Luck.
The end of Deflategate https://t.co/03vO3nWmcU pic.twitter.com/GLqCrDOaGS
— The Atlantic (@TheAtlantic) July 15, 2016
But it’s true. There were 21 professors that did dispute the science behind the NFL’s DeflateGate report, stating that the balls could have been deflated, five of them by more than a pound and a half of PSI without mentioning why their findings and the atmospheric changes on a 50 degree day in New England did not have the same effect on the Colts’ footballs.
The truth is most scientists not from the Boston area or without a rooting interest in the Patriots thought all those explanations were ridiculous. I’ll let those despicable scientists at Popular Science Magazine speak for themselves.
“…the temperature difference involved was a little extreme — from about 68F in my office, down to about -10F in the freezer. So, you can use temperature changes to produce the pressure change seen by investigators, but the temperature required would’ve matched the legendary Ice Bowl of 1967.”
But all that’s really settled now anywhere outside of the bars, baked bean cook-offs, New Kids on the Block tribute groups and roving bands of homophobic, racist Imorten Joe War Boys. The rest of all knew Brady was guilty. All this does is finally levy the punishment he so richly deserves.
“After careful consideration and discussion with Tom Brady, the NFLPA will not be seeking a stay of the four game suspension with the 2nd Circuit,” the National Football League Players Association said in their own statement. “This decision was made in the interest of certainty and planning for Tom prior to the New England Patriots season. We will continue to review all of our options and we reserve our rights to petition for cert to the Supreme Court.”
A “cert” isn’t a delicious refreshing breath mint in this case, but a brief to the Supreme Court asking them to review the decision. So, basically exactly what Tom Brady has said he’d decided not to do. Does that mean it’s not over?
No. It’s over. Let the Jimmy Garoppolo era commence!
