“Draconian” is not a word I throw around a lot. You’d think I would because it’s awesome to say and there are a lot of cool consonant sounds in it, but I save it. I only use it for especially harsh treatment, outright abuse and biting injustice. But after last week’s news report on the players for the Denver Broncos and fines and punishments levied upon outside linebacker Von Miller for farting, no other word will do. The Broncos’ castigation and monetary sanction of Miller for his flatulent effluvium is nothing short of draconian.
There. Now it’s out, Broncos players. It’s a relief. You can’t ignore it no matter how badly you want to. I feel a lot better now.
Von Miller said the Broncos have a fine system for, um, flatulence in meetings. Said he thinks he's been fined the most.
— Nicki Jhabvala (@NickiJhabvala) June 3, 2015
Last week, through what I’m sure were tears so bitter they fogged up his hipster glasses, Miller told Denver Post writer Nicki Jhabvala that he is the victim of the players’ unfair tax on farting during meetings. He has been forced to pay numerous fines for his odiferous emanations and has gone to the extreme lengths of rushing out of the meeting room in order for his effervescent creations to be released into an empty hallway to avoid any more financial hardships placed upon his person.
Since I've received numerous inquires about the Broncos' Fart Tax, I'm gonna let Von explain. NFL dieting ain't easy. pic.twitter.com/OTAAaI8t82
— Nicki Jhabvala (@NickiJhabvala) June 3, 2015
Shame.
Miller, defending himself, lip quivering, rectum pinched tight, told Jhavbvala, “I keep trying to tell them it’s not healthy if I just sit there and hold it in.”
And, Mr. Miller is right. It isn’t. The pressure from unexpelled flatulence can create pockets in the intestinal wall. These pockets, called diverticula, can get infected and create a dangerous, and even life-threatening condition called diverticulitis.
Oh yeah. It really does. And because so many Americans on the job, in meetings, on line, on dates and in crowded elevators make the possibly lethal choice to “hold it in,” nearly 30 million of us are diagnosed with that condition each year. In fact, if you’re aged 40-65 there’s a 40 percent chance that not peppering your bank loan officer or the members of your carpool with your lunch time burrito bowl was enough to make you develop the disease.
A healthy man can release one quart of gas every single day, an average of 14 farts per day at recorded speeds of up to 10 miles per hour. And if you were wondering if there was a real job where you were paid to calculate the speed of a person’s farts, wonder no more. Someone out there is living the dream.
Farts have always been a controversial form of anal communication. In 569 B.C. the Egyptian General Amasis, to signify his uprising against Apries, the King of Egypt, let fly a fart in front of Apries’ messenger and told him to “Carry that back to Apries.”
The messenger, a guy named Patarbemis, delivered the message and immediately had his nose and ears cut off. So, you know, it could be worse for Miller.
Farts in history didn’t always end in death and dismemberment. The Roman Emperor Elagabulus, whose very name sounds like a euphemism for a fart, reigned from 218 AD to 222 AD was the first known deployer of what we now call the Whoopi Cushion. It would not be rediscovered until the JEM Rubber Co. created it again as a toy in the 1930s.
While arguing over bringing the Scottish people into the British Empire in Parliament in 1607, MP Henry Ludlow blasted his ass so loudly it went down on record as a “nay” vote.
American founding father Benjamin Franklin was so pro fart that he wrote an essay called “Fart Proudly” in 1781 and during the late 19th and early part of the 20th century, Joseph Pujol from France (because of course he was from France) could fart so loudly and on cue that he became a world famous performer. He called himself Le Petomane, which translates to “Fart Maniac” and cracked his rectum in front of dignitaries like Sigmund Freud, King Leopold II of Belgium and Prince Edward of Wales.
Thomas Edison actually featured him in one of his first silent films. Which seems to miss the whole point.
Horrified over the inhumanity of his fellow man, Pujol retired from farting professionally at the outbreak of World War I and opened a biscuit factory.
It’s true.
So, Broncos players, I hope you now see the error of your ways. This scandalous treatment of Von Miller must cease and he should not be bound by your costly retribution when his colon acquits itself. Let Miller be your own personal Fart Maniac. After all, people used to pay for a quality show like that.
