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Chip Kelly Hired by 49ers

"Hey, San Fran. It's me, Chip."

One day after the Cleveland Browns made Hue Jackson their head coach the San Francisco 49ers followed suit, reaching an agreement with Chip Kelly to take over the team and finish the job grinding it into the turf that Jim Tomsula started.

The fact that Kelly drew interest from any other NFL team other than the Tennessee Titans seems almost ridiculous, but when it comes to the 49ers, the team that chased Jim Harbaugh out of town and replaced him with the first guy they found sleeping in a dumpster behind the building, it doesn’t really come as a surprise. At least the didn’t have to hose the crusty mustard and day-old cat feces off Kelly before introducing him to their fan base.

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Kelly’s stint as the Philadelphia Eagles head coach ended in disaster and he was fired a week before the season ended. As a head coach, he comes in with a 26-21 record, which doesn’t look bad on its face, but it came with just one playoff appearance, a loss to the New Orleans Saints in 2013.

Kelly “rebuilt” the Eagles more to his liking this season, and instead of going 10-6 with a very talented, but poorly coached and used group of players as he did in 2013 and 2014, instead his hand-picked crew lost nine games, and should have lost more, before Kelly got the boot.

Kelly, of course, replaces Tomsula, who was the worst coaching hire of the last decade and that’s a list that includes Jim Zorn, Tony Sparano, Mike Nolan, Raheem Morris, Josh McDaniels, Rod Marinelli, Lane Kiffin, Todd Haley, Brad Childress, Romeo Crennel and Mike Singletary. And the fact that the 49ers had two names on that list, not counting Tomsula, should really show how well they’ve been running things.

Kelly’s hiring might actually mean that Colin Kaepernick’s 49ers career isn’t over. And if you’re an actual fan of this team, I can’t imagine getting worse news.

Kaepernick is a franchise-killer with a contract that can’t be justified with a roster spot, but you’ve got to feel like part of the Kelly hire was the thought that he could get something good out of the 28-year-old doofus. There’s a perception that Kaepernick somehow “regressed” last season, but he was the same awful mess he’s always been, a guy who has never made a third pass-read in five NFL seasons.

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As defenses keyed in on Kaepernick’s weaknesses, his ability to do anything diminished by the game. The same exact thing happened to Kelly’s gimmicky college offense in Philly so marrying the two together seems like a match made inside a Waffle House toilet in Hell.

There were some rumblings at the end of the season that All-Universe linebacker Patrick Willis may want to come back and play, but I’ve got a feeling the chance to play of a Chip Kelly team where the three-and-out offense leaves on the field about 40 minutes a game doesn’t sound too enticing to the former Pro Bowler.

For Willis’ sake, maybe he can come back and force a trade. It’s really a damn shame. If I’m Navarro Bowman I”m bitching about this on the phone with my agent right now, looking into the kind of deal I’m worth as trade bait. Why would any defensive player want to play for Kelly?

The good news for Kelly at least is he’ll have a veteran roster with which to cut good players from and trade away for “guys who fit his system.” The 49ers have just a handful of free agents getting cut loose and really none of them, outside of kicker Phil Dawson, are in their plans for next season.

The 49ers are picking relatively high and should have their pick of a few good quarterback prospects if Kelly decides Kaepernick isn’t the guy. I had Paxton Lynch going to the Browns in my first mock draft and then Jared Goff going to the 49ers at No. 7. Others, including ESPN’s Mel Kyper, are suggesting that the Browns will take Goff, leaving Lynch and the other good quarterback prospects (Christian Hackenberg, Carson Wentz, Connor Cook and Dak Prescott) all setting there for the 49ers to take a good long look at.

Outside of that, if Kelly did really fall in love with Sam Bradford he’ll also be available as will former Washington Redskins savior Robert Griffin III. There are options, but I’ve got a feeling that Kaep will get the nod, or whatever action Kelly is capable of with that stubby non-existent flesh strip he calls a neck.

Written by Adam Greene

Adam Greene is a writer and photographer based out of East Tennessee. His work has appeared on Cracked.com, in USA Today, the Associated Press, the Chicago Cubs Vineline Magazine, AskMen.com and many other publications.

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