At last we’ve arrived. It’s been a long season and nothing has been more frivolous or more hotly debated among NFL fandom that Power Rankings. They could not matter less, and yet we all care about them. We want to see where the writer is placing our favorite team. Hell, the NFL Network has given Power Rankings its own show. We’ve got a real problem.
Luckily for all of us, this is the last set we’ll deal with before September, 2018. Here we go.
1. New England Patriots – (13-3) Many of my ranking peers had the Patriots atop their lists since Carson Wentz went down. I waited until the Eagles lost. At the end of the day, we still have the same result. All that matters for the Patriots is if they’re still at this spot after the first week of February. Last week: No. 2
2. Pittsburgh Steelers – (13-3) The Steelers may be the only team with a chance to derail a back-to-back Super Bowl trip (and title, let’s be honest) for the Patriots. God be with you, men. Do better than you did last year. Last week: No. 3
3. Minnesota Vikings – (13-3) With the complete wilting of the Eagles’ offense since Wentz hit IR, the Vikings look a whole lot like a team primed to play and lose a Super Bowl on their home field. They’d also be the first team to lose five Super Bowls in history. So, you know, can I congratulate you early? Last week: No. 4
4. Los Angeles Rams – (11-5) The more pundits keep talking about this Rams team being the best in the NFC, the more worried I am they’ll lose in the Wild Card round to the Falcons. This is what four years of Jeff Fisher does to a person. Last week: No. 5
5. Philadelphia Eagles – (13-3) A few weeks ago I thought losing Wentz would cost the Eagles a Super Bowl victory. Not it looks like it’ll cost them their divisional playoff game, regardless of who they face. Last week: 1
6. New Orleans Saints – (11-5) I felt confident the Saints would roll through the playoffs before last Sunday. Dropping their finale with the NFC South on the line to the Buccaneers sobered me up quick. The NFC is wide open. Last week: No. 6
7. Kansas City Chiefs – (10-6) All it took for the Chiefs to bounce back from their losing streak is to face total elimination. Now, outside of hosting home field, they’re in the best position to make a run in the playoffs. They just have to beat the Titans first. Last week: No.9
8. Atlanta Falcons – (10-6) I wonder if he Falcons win over the Panthers Sunday says more about Carolina than it does about Atlanta. We’ll find out Saturday night when they play the Rams in L.A. Last week: No. 12
9. Carolina Panthers – (11-5) Speaking of the Panthers, the NFC South and a home playoff game was right in their hands when they shit the bed against the Falcons in 22-10 loss. Not a great way to enter the playoffs and face a Saints team that’s already beaten you twice. Last week: No. 7
10. Tennessee Titans – (9-7) The worst thing that could possibly happen for the Titans happened. They made the playoffs. Now they may stick with Mike Mularkey for another season. Sorry, Titans fans. Last week: No. 13
11. Jacksonville Jaguars – (11-5) Man, Blake Bortles picked the worst possible time to turn back into Blake Bortles. Last week: No. 10
12. Buffalo Bills – (9-7) The Bills laid it all on the line to get back into the playoffs. All it cost them was probably LeSean McCoy, the only guy that could possibly keep them from being one-and-done. Last week: No. 15
13. Dallas Cowboys – (9-7) The Cowboys have fired just one assistant coach so far, wideout coach Derek Dooley. Expect more. Maybe a lot more before the week is out. Last week: No. 14
14. Los Angeles Chargers – (9-7) Here’s the bummer for Chargers fans; that winning record bought Anthony Lynn some time, especially if he does the same next season. This team has a window with Philip Rivers that Lynn doesn’t have the coaching ability to fit them through. Last week: No. 16
15. Seattle Seahawks – (9-7) The Seahawks stumbled their way through the end of the season. There’s a thought that, with the guys they had injured coming back, they’ll be better next season. But how many of them will really be back? They tried to trade Richard Sherman this off-season. Last week: No. 8
16. Baltimore Ravens – (9-7) The Ravens had a playoff berth and opening round game in Jacksonville right in the palm of their hands and let it slip through. Last week: No. 11
17. Detroit Lions – (9-7) Congratulations on shedding Jim Caldwell on Black Monday, Lions. Now, it all means nothing if you hire some other shitty, unqualified coach to replace him. Last week: No. 18
18. Arizona Cardinals – (8-8) No coach and no quarterback, other than that everything’s great in Arizona. Seriously, this should be one of the better jobs available this off-season. Last week: No. 19
19. Cincinnati Bengals – (7-9) Marvin Lewis is back! Is everybody happy? Nobody? Not even Marvin? OK, then. Last week: No. 20
20. Washington Redskins – (7-9) Jay Gruden celebrated not getting fired like he should have by badmouthing his franchise quarterback because he’s terrible at everything. Last week: No. 17
21. San Francisco 49ers – (6-10) No team in the league finished 2017 hotter than the 49ers. There’s lots to like here, including another Top 10 draft pick in spite of being much better than that in December. Last week: No. 21
22. Green Bay Packers – (7-9) The Packers fired Dom Capers and moved their general manager to “another role.” They need to do the same with Mike McCarthy. He could transition to a job more suiting of his talents. Like fry cook or toilet de-clogger. Last week: No. 22
23. Miami Dolphins – (6-10) The Dolphins didn’t mess up their draft position with any winning nonsense on the final day of the season. The Ryan Tannehill muligan is off the table now, Adam Gase. It’s time to accomplish something real. Last week: No. 23
24. Oakland Raiders – (6-10) I didn’t think Jack Del Rio would be fired, but nothing like losing horribly on the season’s final day with Jon Gruden hovering over your team’s corpse to switch up some moving plans. Last week: No. 24
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – (5-11) Of all the hot seat coaches, I was sure Dirk Koetter sat on the hottest. Yet, here he is, still employed. Glazers, the only reason you aren’t the worst owners in the league is because Mike Brown and Jimmy Haslam are still in it. Last week: No. 29
26. Indianapolis Colts – (4-12) Here’s how shitty a coach Chuck Pagano was. The next Colts’ head coach gets Andrew Luck in his prime. Think about that. Last week: No. 30
27. New York Giants – (3-13) If you look at the Cardinals, the Colts, the Raiders and the Giants, there are some good teams (roster-wise) with job openings. It really puts into perspective how horrible the coaches (outside of Bruce Arians) were. Do better, owners. Shit. Last week: No. 31
28. Denver Broncos – (5-11) Vance Joseph barely survived the coaching cull, but plenty of his assistants didn’t. Last week: No. 25
29. New York Jets – (5-11) When you look at what Todd Bowles did with his roster and compare it to what, say, Ben McAdoo or Bill O’Brien did with theirs, it’s easy to see why he got an extension. Last week: No. 26
30. Chicago Bears – (5-11) Have fun counting on that next NFL job, John Fox. If I were a betting man, and I am, I’d take the over on your wait time on that head coaching phone call. Last week: No. 27
31. Houston Texans – (4-12) No ax has fallen on Bill O’Brien just yet, but there’s been no official word that he won’t get fired. I’m not sure he’s safe. Last week: No. 28
32. Cleveland Browns – (0-16) Enjoy this, Browns. You earned it the hard way. You are the worst team for the worst franchise in professional sports. Crack open a Natty Ice or Miwaukee’s Best and savor the moment. Last week: No. 32
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