We’ve had fun, you and I, discussing all the dumpster fires, crap-covered beaches and potential zombie plague outbreaks awaiting the best athletes in the world when they travel to Rio de Janeiro for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. It’s been a laugh. Honestly, I’m going to kind of miss it.
So if you’ll indulge me tonight we’re going to take a little victory lap, wrapped in the flag of whatever country you currently reside in, at the final little bit of horror awaiting our respective Olympic teams when the games officially kick off Friday night with the opening ceremonies.
First off, a word from Team USA Olympic rower Megan Kalmoe that I probably could take a little personally. Kalmoe wrote an essay published in the UK’s Guardian newspaper (why the Guardian? Was the latest issue of Birds & Blooms all filled up?) in which she takes to task people like me who have pointed out Rio’s beaches are covered with human body parts and super turd bacteria.
“If you are so desperately concerned for your athletes and your team that you need to write snide, lazy things on the internet about Rio or Brazil to make yourself feel better; or if you feel angry or betrayed or frustrated by what’s about to happen in Rio because you genuinely believe the US would do a better job and be the perfect Olympic host, I suggest you channel some of that energy, or at the very least some funds, into the LA (Los Angeles) 2024 bid.”
U.S. Olympic rower Megan Kalmoe isn't exaggerating. pic.twitter.com/qihGRO25xv
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) July 29, 2016
First off, writing snide and lazy things on the internet is how I keep the lights on, but I get what she’s saying. The truth is I’m pumped about the Olympics. I love it, both the Winter and Summer Games and while Kalmoe and her compatriots are rowing through a lagoon of human poop, I’ll be watching every second of it and cheering them on. I’ll also be praying they don’t all come down with Captain Trips while they’re in Rio. It’s literally the least I can do.
And if this sexy Olympic athlete at the peak of her physical condition would like to contact me personally to talk about this, maybe meet up for a meal somewhere private… I know a place. All I can say is my email address is below. Yes. The pic is recent.
With that out of the way, let’s get back to the cluster-futz that is Rio
Chinese track athlete Shi Dongpeng didn’t have to wait long to know Rio was going to be a disaster for him. It happened right in the airport. The minute he landed he got puked on by some random guy in the Rio airport. A cameraman chased the vomiter away, but when he and Dongpeng got back their luggage had been stolen.
Rio Olympics 2016: Shi Dongpeng victim of disgusting robbery https://t.co/rBLfx523RZ
— Stuart Cohen (@stuartcohen821) August 3, 2016
Dongpeng wasn’t the only victim of a crime so far. Members of the Australian Olympic was robbed while escaping their Olympic Village dorm which just happened to be on fire at the time. And they were lucky because of all the things that malfunctioned in the fire, the most important was probably the dormitory’s fire alarms, which did not go off. The thieves made off with some clothes and computer equipment.
That’s all terrible, sure. But here’s something that puts both those events to shame. The Olympic torch needed an armed police guard and soldiers to actually get to the venue this week. Rioters surged on the torch, threw rocks and blocked the path. Cops had to clear a path with pepper spray and rubber bullets.
Police in riot gear fired rubber bullets at protesters ahead of the arrival of the #Rio2016 Olympic torch in Brazil.https://t.co/HXcHyEVrGt
— AJ+ (@ajplus) August 5, 2016
And if you’re planning on going to the Olympics, be extra careful you don’t get hurt in any way because all five hospitals in Rio have announced they are so full that they can’t take any new patients. The good news for Olympic athletes is they’ll receive all the medical care they need in the Olympic Village. You, on the other hand, are on your own. And don’t bother asking for help. Virtually no one in Brazil can speak English, apparently.
But at least the Olympic athletes can have plenty of sex. The Olympic village has been stocked with 450,000 condoms. There are only around 13,000 athletes even competing in the Olympics, so that’s about 34 condoms apiece. So, you know, get to work guys and gals. Brazil at least have you covered in that department.
https://twitter.com/Maui_Speaks/status/761358729874853889
