Some much dumbass shit happened in 2016, it’s difficult to narrow it down to just five, but I’m going to do it. Usually writers craft lists like this and post them on Dec. 31 or before, but, frankly, 2016 was such a dumpster fire I didn’t want to pick five insane sports stories and then have something come up on New Year’s Eve that out-crazied them all.
So how did I narrow it down to just five? God, I really don’t know. It’s more like I settled for five instead of writing a 10,000-word, mutli-part series on the thousands of separate events exemplifying the dumpster fire of rat carcasses the past year was that gets turned into a 30 for 30 someday. 2016…. Jesus Christ.
Here are just a handful of crazy shit I left off the list; Bill Belichik’s love letter to Donald Trump, The Twitter feud between the Oakland A’s and the band Smash Mouth, Rams DE William Hayes believes in mermaids, but not dinosaurs, Draymond Green accidentally sending a public snap of his hideous mushroom cap, The NFL Hall of Fame Game getting cancelled because the field conditions were a danger to players, Laremy Tunsils social media hack that cost him millions of dollars in draft money, Brian Urlacher’s bizarre hair “growth,” Russell Wilson and Ciara’s gross, kind of suspicious, relationship, Chris Boswell’s stupid onside kick, and, really, anything Curt Schilling did. Dude was a trainwreck for 365 straight days.
5. Ryan Lochte’s Rio adventure
Really, I could write a whole list about Rio and the giant clusterduck (yeah, I used that on purpose), the whole lead up to the 2016 Summer Olympics, but Ryan Lochte’s particular games was one for the ages.
The story began as harrowing as it was false. Lochte and some of his USA Swimming buddies, none of whom you would know on sight, were accosted by armed ruffians while minding their own innocent business on the deadly streets of Brazil. Lochte recounted the horrific attack to the Today Show’s Billy Bush, who made headlines himself this year for bullying President-Elect Donald Trump into talking about vaginas.
There was only one problem with Lochte’s story, it was complete bullshit. It turns out that Lochte and his speedo buddies drunkenly vandalized a gas station restroom, then exchanged words with a local security guard. All of this was on security cameras. Busted, Lochte did what any contrite person would do once he sobered up and realized his mistake, he fled the country and left his teammates to take the fall in his place.
For his shenanigans, Lochte was banned by the IOC, USA Swimming and the USOC for 10 months. Brazil has offered him a plea deal and a $20,000 fine to wipe the charges away, but Lochte refused. Lochte is facing a six month prison sentence in a South American jail in a country currently undergoing politcal turmoil, but, you know, Lochte’s got to be Lochte.
4. Dildo goes rogue on Buffalo Bills
There was a dildo on the field when the Buffalo Bills faced off against the New England Patriots this season and, no, I’m not talking about Rob Ryan.
The incident in question, specifically, the heretofore mentioned dildo, took the field at the goal line, as the Bills defense took down Patriots wide receiver Chris Hogan. The dildo was credited with an assist on the play.
The problem, of course, with having a dildo on the field is exactly how are you supposed to get it off the playing surface? The ref came up with the best idea he could in the time allowed.
The fans who threw the dildo said it was for Tom Brady. That, probably more than anything, is what got them banned from New Era Field for life.
3. Joe Buck confesses addiction to hair plugs
If you’re anything like me your favorite thing about Fox Sports broadcaster and nepotism poster child Joe Buck is his flowing locks. There is, literally, nothing else to like about him. He’s the worst.
And God nearly stepped in to save us from Buck calling our favorite sporting events by paralyzing his vocal cords after his eighth, yes, eighth hair transplant procedure.
Detailed in his 2016 book, Lucky Bastard: My Life, My Dad, And The Things I’m Not Allowed To Say On TV, Buck woke up from his 2011 with nerve damage. Damage that nearly saved us all from the shittiest World Series calls in history. But it was not to be.
Buck returned and got his voice back eventually and is ruining your Sunday afternoon NFL broadcasts even today.
2. Belk Bowl player shoplifts at Belk
I told you 2016 couldn’t be trusted and this one, the second craziest story of the year, happened Tuesday, Dec. 24. In Charlotte, N.C. with his team, the Arkansas Razorbacks, senior tight end Jeremy Sprinkle went on a little shopping spree. A spree he didn’t want to pay for.
The store he chose to shoplift from? Belk.
Arkansas was set to play in the Belk Bowl on Thursday, Dec. 29.
For participating int he Belk Bowl, each player on both teams received a $450 gift card from Belk.
Sprinkle was busted trying to steal $460 in clothes and accessories.
Sprinkle was sited for unlawful concealment and suspended for the game. Arkansas went on to lose the Belk Bowl to No. 18 Virginia Tech, 35-24.
1. Security Guard Masturbates to Cheerleaders in front of 68,000 people
Everyone likes NFL cheerleaders and it stands to reason the San Diego Chargers’ cheerleaders are probably a group of very beautiful ladies. For one Chargers security guard, standing that close to said lovely ladies, was just too much to take. So he took matters into his own hand.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BOO7s9Uhs3s/?taken-by=lov_app
Yep. He’s doing exactly what you think he’s doing in front of 68,352 fans in attendance and God only knows how many people watching at home. The amorous fellow has not been identified, but was a member of ELITE security, a private contractor hired to enhance public safety at sporting events and, presumably, not rub one out while a group of cheerleaders scream “defense!”
My favorite part of the whole thing is where the lady posting the video writes, “I can’t believe this was allowed!” Like he was just casually doing something all NFL security guards do, a perk of doing the job. You get a free NFL game, a catered lunch, stadium parking and to play pocket pool to the cheerleaders in your pleated pants.
The guard in question faces a misdemeanor charge for committing and lewd act in public and wins the award for the craziest effing thing that happened in a year full of crazy shit. Congratulations buddy. I won’t be shaking your hand.
