It’s been a full president ago when it last happened, but the Cleveland Browns finally won an NFL game, defeating the New York Jets 21-17 in what had to be the most exciting contest between two teams that will finish the season with losing records in all of human history. The only reason they didn’t throw a parade in Cleveland this morning is that everyone was too drunk to go. Needless to say, if you follow me on Twitter and/or Facebook, you know that I predicted this very outcome. Now it’s time for the Friday Afternoon Quarterback to fill out the rest of your straight up and against the spread picks for the rest of Week 3 — with jokes.
Oh my god it's happening. I'm picking the Browns to win their first game in nearly two years. Browns 27, Jets 16. The rest of my picks will be in tomorrow's FAQ at https://t.co/AVm9LHEaF0 #NYJvsCLE
— Adam Greene (@TheFirstMan) September 20, 2018
Two weeks into the season and I’m still searching for the right formula for success. All I needed to inspire this week’s picks was none other than the Cleveland Browns who, at 1-1-1, are three games into the season and do not have a losing record. There are kids starting high school this year that don’t remember the last time that happened.
It’s happening. #Browns pic.twitter.com/pYmeyqOCh2
— ESPN Cleveland (@ESPNCleveland) September 21, 2018
Go ahead and sober up, Cleveland. Here’s your Week 3 Friday Afternoon Quarterback.
Sunday
Indianapolis Colts at Philadelphia Eagles (-6.5, O/U: 47.5)
Fun fact; underdogs went 10-6 against the spread last week. I don’t care that Carson Wentz is getting his first start of the season. I do care that a very hot Andrew Luck is making his third. On the bright side, there’ll be significantly fewer burning cop cars in Philly Sunday night. Colts 27, Eagles 24
Cincinnati Bengals at Carolina Panthers (-3, O/U: 43.5)
Cam Newton showed up at his press conference last week looking like he’d just knocked out his cheating husband with an iron skillet. The Bengals are good, better than we all thought, but they aren’t ready to dodge Auntie Cam and his his fistful of rolling pins. Panthers 24, Bengals 20
https://twitter.com/MF_DAD/status/1041761282771234818
New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons (-3, O/U: 53.5)
The only way the Saints could have looked less like a Super Bowl contender against the Browns last week is if they’d actually been the Browns. Falcons 31, Saints 27
Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars (N/A)
Marcus Mariota apparently took the lion’s share of reps in practice Thursday. Unfortunately for the Titans, Jacksonville will be bringing the Jaguars’ share of defense Sunday. Jags 31, Titans 16
Denver Broncos at Baltimore Ravens (-5, O/U: 44.5)
Joe Flacco doesn’t need to look out for Lamar Jackson as much as he does for defensive backs wearing the opposing team’s uniforms. Flacco was so generous with the ball against the Bengals last week he can count his game check as a charitable donation on his tax return. Broncos 20, Ravens 19
New York Giants at Houston Texans (-6, O/U: 42)
A lot was made about a Texas school superintendent, Lynn Redden, making a public racist comment about Deshaun Watson, posting that “you can’t count on a black quarterback.” Considering that Texas is ranked No. 43 out of 50 states in education, Redden probably can’ t count on having a job next week. Giants 24, Texans 20
Oakland Raiders at Miami Dolphins (-3, O/U: 44.5)
When asked about his team’s struggles finding a pass rusher, Jon Gruden said, “It’s hard to find a great one.” That’s not true. I can see one right now playing in Chicago. Dolphins 27, Raiders 19
Jon Gruden was asked about the difficulty of finding a pass rusher in the NFL. pic.twitter.com/HsQDdwDHhc
— NFL on ESPN (@ESPNNFL) September 20, 2018
Green Bay Packers at Washington Redskins (+3, O/U: 45.5)
This should be another stellar Mike McCarthy vs Jay Gruden chess match where, at one point, both men will need to be Heimliched after trying to swallow the horsy pieces. Redskins 27, Packers 24
Buffalo Bills at Minnesota Vikings (-16.5, O/U: 40.5)
Is it too late for the entire Bills team to retire? Vikings 45, Bills 10
San Francisco 49ers at Kansas City Chiefs (-6.5, O/U: 55.5)
The only thing more exciting than Patrick Mahomes quarterbacking performance is Jimmy Garoppolo’s Tinder history. Chiefs 38, 49ers 30
Los Angeles Chargers at Los Angeles Rams (-7, O/U: 48)
Speaking of coaching match ups, Sean McVay vs Anthony Lynn hardly seems fair. It’s like asking Artie Lang to race Usain Bolt while Bolt is wearing a jet pack. Rams 38, Chargers 20
Chicago Bears at Arizona Cardinals (+5.5, O/U: 38)
Khalil Mack is tearing through the Bears’ opponents so thoroughly Sam Bradford spent the week preemptively tearing his ACL. Bears 17, Cardinals 16
https://twitter.com/HargraveGlobal/status/1041448423923146752
Dallas Cowboys at Seattle Seahawks (-1.5, O/U: 42)
If Brian Schottenheimer was any worse at calling offensive plays, Dan Quinn would hire him as the new Atlanta Falcons offensive coordinator on the spot. Cowboys 30, Seahawks 19
Sunday Night
New England Patriots at Detroit Lions (+7, O/U: 53.5)
Matt Patricia is so nervous about facing his old mentor Bill Belichick he almost couldn’t finish his third KFC Famous Bowl before taking a break for lunch. Patriots 38, Lions 19
Monday Night
Pittsburgh Steelers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+1.5, O/U: 53.5)
If the Buccaneers win this game, who knows what Ryan Fitzpatrick will wear at his postgame press conference. Steelers 48, Buccaneers 44
https://twitter.com/netw3rk/status/1041586545134727173
This week
Straight up: 1-0
Against the spread: 1-0
Last week
Straight up: 9-6-1
Against the spread: 7-9
Season
Straight up: 17-13-2
Against the spread: 13-19
