Despite CBS’ herculean efforts to convince those about to watch the San Francisco 49ers flounder around for four quarters against the Seattle Seahawks Thursday night, an epic contest did not ensue. Despite Phil Simms effusive praise of Colin Kaepernick, the young 49ers quarterback did not magically transform into someone else. He was the same, awful player he has been all year and, frankly, his entire career.
As usual, I’ll toss in my survivor pool picks as they come up.
Early Games
Buffalo vs Jacksonville (+4.5) in London at 9:30 a.m. EST
It’s the first NFL game that will be broadcast only online unless you have the misfortune of actually living in Buffalo or Jacksonville. As excited as Londoners are for these games, one of these days they’re going to realize that real NFL football doesn’t look a lot like what the Jags have been doing. On the bright side, it’s probably an easier transition from soccer. Bills 19, Jaguars 10 (survivor pool pick)
Tampa Bay at Washington (-3.5)
The Redskins come off their bye week still in shambles, with nothing but criticism being aimed ownership, Jay Gruden and their quarterback situation, but that’s all nothing new. What is new is being favored in a game and facing a rookie quarterback who likes to serve up interceptions with a side salad and fully loaded baked potato. Redskins 24, Bucs 13
Atlanta at Tennessee (+5)
That line is a little odd and might have more to do with how banged up the Falcons are instead of how good the Titans will be as an opponent. What that line can’t take into account is the fact that Marcus Mariota may be on the sideline and Zach Mettenberger may be playing quarterback instead of putting together the greatest $6.99 Burger Night in Applebees history. Falcons 31, Titans 16 (survivor pool pick)
New Orleans at Indianapolis (-4)
The Saints looked great last week, but this team has always played remarkably different on the road even with they were good. For the Colts, all you have to do is not let your two-year old nephew draw up your fake punts and you’ll be fine. Colts 31, Saints 24
Minnesota at Detroit (+2)
Can the Jim Caldwell Detroit Lions win two games in a row? I don’t think he can eat two pretzels in a row without needing a Heimlich. Vikings 20, Lions 17
Pittsburgh at Kansas City (+2)
Landry Jones has been in the Steelers system for a couple of years. Michael Vick showed up the Tuesday before the season opened, accidentally stumbling into the clubhouse looking for the nearest ferret-fighting operation. I think I would have gone with Jones from the beginning and let Vick get back to tossing a couple of spiders in a jar to “see what happens.” Steelers 17, Chiefs 13
Cleveland at St. Louis (-6.5)
Here we go, Rams. You are now about to embark on your five-week tour of cupcakes, honey buns and all the super sweet delights the NFL can bring you in your quest to actually make the postseason for the first time since 2004. That’s like 100 iPhones ago. Make this dream real. Rams 31, Browns 10 (survivor pool pick)
Houston at Miami (-4)
Listen, sportsbooks. I know everybody got excited over the Dolphins winning a game last week under interim head coach Dan Campbell, but let’s not act like he’s fielding the ’72 team here. Time to venture back to reality. Texans 24, Dolphins 23
New York Jets at New England (-7.5)
I get the line on paper, but on the field this will unquestionably be the best defense (especially in the secondary) that the Patriots have faced all year. In fact, this will be the first winning team they’ve faced all year. It’s not 2007 and the Jets are going to explain exactly why that’s true. Jets 23, Pats 21
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Late Games
Oakland at San Diego (-3.5)
The Chargers showed up with some fight in them last week against the Packers, but just like when you’re a kid and playing Mike Tyson’s punch out, all it took was one flurry to knock them out. The Raiders can’t deliver that kind of punch, but the Chargers are in real danger of getting passed up by this team next year completely. Chargers 34, Raiders 24
Dallas at New York Giants (-3.5)
The Giants need to have a professionally head-ectomy performed on their asses this season and this probably isn’t the week it’s going to happen. Still, they’ll be good enough to beat the Cowboys and get some revenge for the season-opening loss that they screwed themselves into. Giants 31, Cowboys 17 (survivor pool pick)
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Sunday Night
Philadelphia at Carolina (-3)
The Eagles get spunky just in time for Chip Kelly to dash some dreams over in the USC alumni room. But it doesn’t matter how much moxie you’ve got when they other team is fielding Superman. Panthers 31, Eagles 27
Monday Night
Baltimore at Arizona (-8)
Good God, when does the flex scheduling start? The Cardinals proved they were paper champions last week with a pathetic loss to the Ben Roethlisberger-less Steelers. The Ravens did even worse, losing to the 49ers and making Colin Kaepernick look like he didn’t accidentally stumble out onto the field after being discovered in the melting ice fields of the Arctic and accidentally unfrozen by scientists. Bruce Arians will do his damndest to make this one ugly, fast. Cardinals 44, Ravens 27
This Week
Straight up: 1-0
Against the spread: 1-0
Last Week
Straight up: 7-7
Against the spread: 6-8
Survivor pool picks: 2-3
Overall
Straight up: 50-40
Against the spread: 49-41
Survivor pool picks: 19-8
