It’s not been the best offseason for New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. His legacy tarnished and a four-game suspension already looming, it only got worse for the narcissistic Super Bowl champion last week when news broke that The Country Club in Brookline, Mass., an exclusive club founded in 1882, may deny Tom and his wife Gisele membership because of his scandalous public persona.
How dare you, sirs? Huff huff huff huff!
It costs $250,000 to become a member of the very exclusive club, something Tom and Gisele could afford since she’s worth about $320 million all by herself. Tom probably less with all the lawyer fees and the lifetime supply of deflation needles he purchased a few years back.
The Boston Globe asked the General Manager of of the club, David Chag, about Tom and Gisele’s potential membership and he said, “When it comes to issues related to members or membership, it’s our policy not to comment. It’s a private club and we don’t answer those kinds of questions.” Which sounds like a whole lot of code words for “You’ll be in no danger of sharing the course with a black, Latino or Jew here, my good man, piffle huff huff.”
And by the way, if there’s ever been a better last name than “Chag” for the snotty manager of a 1,300-member rich douchebag country club, I can’t think of one. And I’m paid to think of stuff like that.
To get in Tom and Gisele must be sponsored by a current member of the club and survive a meeting with the voting committee. Each member of the committee then places a white ball for acceptance into a box or a black ball for denial, then they all strip naked and sacrifice a baby dolphin to Moltokor, the Stygian God of the Typhlotic Abyss, who will then wink his single eternally bleeding eye once for “yes.” But one black ball from a member and Tom and Gisele are out.
It’s a hard club to get into. I mean, current Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick and his wife were once denied membership and I can’t imagine why that would happen.
Little League monsters tell Albino kid to suck it up and stop whining
Albinism is a condition affecting one in every 17,000 humans on planet Earth. In addition to the lack of pigment in skin, hair and eyes, people with the disorder can also suffer from vision issues that make some colors, especially white, difficult to see.
Ryan Huizdos is a 13-year-old kid with Albanism and all he wanted to do was play little league baseball with his friends and has been for years. When Huizdos steps up to bat, the pitcher on the opposing team switches to a yellow ball that Ryan can see better. That all changed last week at the Little League National Tournament where the men in charge of the tournament told Ryan that he couldn’t use a yellow ball anymore because they like to make disabled children cry. Their memberships to The Country Club in Brookline should sail through.
None to fear, those of you reading this with human souls. The official in charge of the game still let Ryan use a yellow ball because he is capable of human compassion and empathy and doesn’t really care for golf.
Kelly Huizdos, Ryan’s mother quoted the official, “He said, ‘I can probably lose my job for this, but I want your son to have the advantage of the yellow ball.’ And he told us that they asked for his resignation because he went above their heads and gave my son permission to use it.”
That’s right. After one official decided that maybe forcing an albino kid to play with what, to him, is an invisible baseball might be unfair and dangerous, his fellow Little League officials demanded his resignation.
But, none to fear, forces of evil. Ryan’s team, the Grosse Pointe Woods, was eliminated from the tournament, because sports movies aren’t real and they weren’t coached by an alcoholic ex convict with a secret heart of gold.
