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The Misadventures of Rex and Rob Ryan

You calling this a fight?

Twins are fun. Entire beer advertising campaigns are built around them. Frankly, all you need to score a Disney Channel or Nickelodeon sitcom is a couple of twins, a dumbass older brother or uncle figure who also serves as eye candy for the moms. Maybe you toss in a cute, older female neighbor or waitress at the place the twins hang out for the dads. For Rex and Rob Ryan, however, twinhood comes with some complications. And I’m not talking high cholesterol or Type 2 Diabetes.

No, I’m talking about what is being called a “bar fight,” a “scuffle” and a “skirmish” between an obvious drunken Rex and Rob Ryan and two equally drunk, much smaller men at a Margaritaville restaurant in Nashville. I guess the Wacky Fat Twins Riding Motorcyles Across the County pitch to TV Land is probably off the table.

Yes, it appears a video featuring Rex Ryan has gone viral that has nothing to do with how much he wants to have sex with his wife’s feet.

First up, I know what you’re thinking. What does an XXXXL Bryce Harper jersey go for? According to MLBshop.com, you can get one for $119.99 with free shipping so that mystery’s solved.

Second, are we really calling this a fight? At most there’s a little bit of a tango move in there between Rex and the dude in the blue shirt. Rob tries a very weak throat grab and that’s pretty much it. As “brawls” go, I have to say I haven’t been this dissapointed since Sheldon’s Scanner-and Vulcan based marshal arts techniques faced off against Leonard’s mother issues and tiny Trump hands.

Third, check out the waitress on the right two-fisting those margaritas. She knows where she works. That’s her company’s namesake and she’s not dropping a single ounce, regardless off what piece of fleshy Ryan bod slaps against her. Mr. Rogers once said that when a tragedy happens he always looked for the “helpers.” He said, “you will always find people who are helping.” Heroes like this young lady, protecting those two margaritas from Rex Ryan’s swaying arm fat, are exactly who he was talking about. God bless her.

Fourth, is this all there is? At the end of this clip Rex has obviously been disoriented from being spun around in the kind of dance move that would make Mary Murphy hand him a first class ticket to the Hot Tamale Train. Rob’s arm gets pinned by another guy in a green shirt and then, that’s it. That’s all we get. What happened next? Did Rob ever get his arm back? Did Rex survive the next cut down on So You Think You Can Dance? Did anybody ever drink those margaritas?

I hate cliffhangers.

Apparently both Rex and Rob live in Nashville now, since being fired by the Buffalo Bills. With Jeff Fisher returning to the city after getting fired by the Los Angeles Rams, and Mike Mularkey actually employed by the Tennessee Titans, Nashville unquestionably has the most shitty football coaches per capita than any other city in the country. When you toss in Brandon Fisher, Jeff’s shitty son, who probably lives with his dad since being fired too, Nashville is just running up the score.

Will this hurt Rex Ryan’s new career as an analyst for ESPN? Probably not, but you can never tell. They like to fire people over there. Will it hurt Rob’s career prospects? I mean, does Jimmy John’s need a Sandwich-Smith this quick to fly off the handle? Can Dave & Buster’s trust a fry cook this eager to unleash a choke hold?

In a world where every mobile device has a high definition camera, we’ll just have to hope the rest of this story will finally make its way across our own screens. Knowing how this all ends is important. There’s a future TGIFriday’s waiter whose livelihood depends on it.

Oh, Peyton Manning…

Future Hall of Fame quarterback is in Washington, D.C. to accept the Lincoln Medal at Ford’s Theatre. The medal is handed out to someone who “exemplified the lasting legacy and mettle of character embodied by the most beloved president in our nation’s history, President Abraham Lincoln.” And, yeah, sure, obviously Peyton Manning is just like Lincoln. Like, in so many ways. Remember when Lincoln threw 55 touchdown passes? Or how about the time Lincoln tossed the game-losing interception to Tracy Porter in Super Bowl XLIV?

Manning and Lincoln both have seven letters in their last names. Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and Manning once had a dog named Captain Snowball. It’s spooky, man.

While he was in Washington, Manning took in a game of golf with his friend, Tennessee senator Bob Corker, and some other guy and it’s that guy that seems to be causing all the hub-ub. It was, of course, Donald Jaggoff Trump. That is what the “J” stands for, right?

Now, I despise Trump, sure, but I’m a solid independent when it comes to politics. I vote all over the place for all sorts of reasons and anything you see from me denigrating the current president of the United States is all personal, I assure you. I hate his guts for who he is on the inside, not because of the letter that sits in front of his stupid name.

At the same time, it I made an enemy of everyone who voted for Trump or liked him, I’d just have to move and change my name. let alone excommunicate 90 percent of my family. I live in East Tennessee for God’s sake.

First up, of course Peyton Manning is a republican. Tom Brady is. I’d guarantee most of your white professional athletes are. They’re like rich people that way.

There was an idea spreading across Twitter that somehow this would hurt Manning’s brand. Did it hurt Tom Brady’s? Manning played golf with Trump. Brady has him on speed dial and he’s doing OK.

For someone like me who sees Trump as a horseman of the apocalypse, it’s disappointing, sure. But I’ll get over it and still eat Papa John’s pizza anytime some sporting event shoves it in my face. I’m not made of stone.

Manning’s brand will survive and, frankly, all this hob-nobbing with politicians has started a murmur that Manning might run for office. I don’t see that happening, but, shit, I didn’t see this whole Trump thing happening either.

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Written by Adam Greene

Adam Greene is a writer and photographer based out of East Tennessee. His work has appeared on Cracked.com, in USA Today, the Associated Press, the Chicago Cubs Vineline Magazine, AskMen.com and many other publications.

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