Lena Dunham, I had stuff to do. I’ve got five more NFL divisions to preview, a Super Bowl LI prediction to make, Week One Power Rankings and so much more on my plate. And then you decide to… well, be you. And this time you got “you” all over my sports, so that’s going to be a problem.
In case you’re not on Twitter, here’s what happened. Dunham debuted some website you’ll never visit once after this moment called Lenny. Her contribution to its arrival was an “interview” with comedian Amy Schumer. I put “interview” in quotes as I’m a person who actually does interviews for a living and this reads more like a transcript of the conversation they had while draining a box of wine.
In this “interview,” Dunham spends plenty of time talking about herself and her own experiences, one of those being a time when New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. made it clear to Dunham, in no uncertain terms, that he would not be willing to have sex with her.
How did he let her know this? I’ll let Lena spell out all the sordid details.
“I was sitting next to Odell Beckham Jr., and it was so amazing because it was like he looked at me and determined I was not the shape of a woman by his standards. He was like, ‘That’s a marshmallow. That’s a child. That’s a dog.’ It wasn’t mean – He just seemed confused.
The vibe was very much like, ‘Do I want to f–k it? Is it wearing a … yep, it’s wearing a tuxedo. I’m going to go back to my cell phone.’ It was like we were forced to be together, and he literally was scrolling Instagram rather than having to look at a woman in a bow tie.”
Yes. OBJ told Lena Dunham she was an aborted rhino fetus under a pile of dirty laundry by doing absolutely nothing. Dunham inferred all of this, the complete sexual rejection of the pudding-filled balloon she draped in tuxedo fabric for his enjoyment, with only the powers of her imagination.
Breaking news: Handsome, super rich, famous, talented athlete does not want to have sex with Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock. #OBJ #LenaDunham
— Adam Greene (@TheFirstMan) September 3, 2016
Dunham read Beckham Jr.’s mind as he sat at a table not looking at her or interacting with her in any way while checking his Instagram feed. She’s like Professor X from the X-Men, but her powers only work on men who don’t want to have sex with her. Needless to say, she’s the most powerful mutant we’ve ever encountered.
It must be an interesting morning for Odell Beckham Jr. He gets up, does a quick work out, eats breakfast and checks his social media only to find out he’s a fat-shaming, sexist monster who, according to Slate associate editor L.V. Anderson, might be gay. Quite the start to a Saturday for OBJ.
https://twitter.com/ira/status/771916607442432000
Listen, if having no desire to have sex with Lena Dunham makes you gay, the human race is about to go extinct. The line of men, lesbians and bisexual women with no aspiration to know Lena Dunham in the Biblical sense would stretch to the sun.
Odell Beckham Jr. is probably wracking his brain right now to even remember meeting someone named “Lena Dunham” at all at the Met Gala so I’ll help.
BuzzFeed: People are pissed at Lena Dunham for claiming a football player ignored her at the Met Gala … pic.twitter.com/4xG8KjQnEo
— WeGotSomeIssues (@WeGotSomeIssues) September 3, 2016
Hey, OBJ. Remember when that weird waiter came to your table and didn’t take away your plate, but instead sat next to you and stared at you for an hour drooling? That was her.
For his part now, Odell Beckham Jr. will have to find some way to move on with his life of catching ridiculous touchdowns, making tons of money and being super famous for being awesome at football. Dunham, on the other hand, has taken a little heat.
People are throwing around accusations of racism and perceived sexual privilege and narcissism and probably only two of those are true.
Responses to what @lenadunham said and why it was wrong. And, by wrong, I mean, racist. #IntentVsImpact https://t.co/rWl4OAI6D3
— Stef Woods (@citygirlblogs) September 3, 2016
She’s had to “walk back” the comments she made on her own website that she writes for, edits and controls completely, then complain that everyone “didn’t get the joke.”
Meanwhile somewhere in New Jersey Odell Beckham Jr. is crying, fully-clothed in the shower at the flashback memory of Dunham’s eyes burning a hole in his crotch. Sorry, buddy.
