It was over two years ago that I first identified the most egregious problem in professional baseball. You would think that call to arms would have changed everything, but, no. The horror remains. Major League Baseball players continue to choose ridiculous walk-up music.
As usual, it’s up to me to save all of us. Really, I blame myself. In my previous treatise on the subject, I tossed in some solid selections, but I don’t feel like I was emphatic enough. You, the professional baseball players of America, are ruining everything with your shitty music choices. Stop being awful.
A walk-up song should not only be a good song, and most of you aren’t even ticking off that box. It should be a song that simultaneously fires you, the batter, up, gets the crowd going and delivers a concise and important message to the pitcher you’re facing.
I’ll show you how bad it is with my own team, the Chicago Cubs.
1. Anthony Rizzo – “Intoxicated” by Martin Solveig, “It Ain’t Me” by Kygo and Selena Gomez, “Bad Blood” by Taylor Swift and “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark
If I have to tell you what’s wrong with this song list, you’re up too late young lady and have a big day preparing for summer camp tomorrow before you register for eighth grade.
2. Ian Happ – “Oh Boy” by Cam’Ron featuring Juelz Santana
So I had no idea this song existed before this or that a rapper named “Cam’Ron” walked the earth with impunity. I can now only look back at that time before with a sad, sweet regret.
3. Kris Bryant – “Warm it up Kris” by Kriss Kross
Alright. I get it and you get a pass you beautiful bastard.
4. Jason Heyward – “Tunnel Vision” – Kodak Black
Holy shit is this real? I didn’t know a human being could rap through his nose. There is, honest to God, a line in this song that says, “I’m the shit. I need some toilet paper.” I mean, you know… Poetry.
5. Addison Russell – “Can’t tell me nothing” – Kanye West
I mean, it’s not the worst. It starts fast and that’s really what you need. I guess there’s a message here that Russell might like, but it’s dampened by the fact that Kanye West himself is such a raging toolbag.
6. Kyle Schwarber – “Thuggis Ruggish Bone” – Bone Thugs-n-Harmony
What in the hell is this? The only message it delivers is that Schwarber has shitty taste in 90s rap. What was his second choice? Warren G? Brian Austin Green? Shaq Diesel?
7. Willson Contreras – “El Amante” by Nick Jam
I’d never heard this before, but I dig it. It’s too much of a slow love song for an at-bat song. I can’t see it firing up a fanbase, but I can see Contreras sealing the deal with a female friend dancing to this after the game.
8. Jon Lester – “Rebel Kids” by Justin Moore
Oh God. A country song. This song has cost me IQ points just by cuing it up on YouTube. And don’t be fooled by the racially sensitive “wild Indians” line. The “Rebel” in this has everything to do with being “southern.” Thanks, Trump.
9. Albert Almora, Jr. – “Ahora Estoy” by Jacob Forever
I get using this for the “El Bombo” line. I assume that means something “bomb.” But words aren’t enough. This song sounds like something I would have come up with at 14 after getting a Casio keyboard for Christmas.
And just because you aren’t in the line up tonight, don’t think I’m not going to mention you, Ben Zobrist. Zobrist uses a cover of “Benny and the Jets” sang by his wife Juliana. Yeah. I know. Puke.
It’s not just the Cubs that are flailing away into the darkness while attempting to walk up to something musical at the plate. Not a single member of any California-based baseball team uses California by Tupac and Dr. Dre and that is a crime against humanity.
You tell me the crowd in Oakland, San Francisco or Los Angeles wouldn’t hit their feet when the the first beat of this hits.
If you’re the lead off man for the Oakland A’s, you have no excuse not to be using this as your walk-up music. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
In my previous article, I made some solid suggestions that still resonate (and have been ignored). Both “Gigantic” and “Hey” from the Pixies, along with “Iron Man” from Black Sabbath, “The Man Comes Around” from Johnny Cash and the legitimately perfect “Who’s Lovin’ Your Mama” from Kennedy. I know you have no idea who he is, but listen to the message this song delivers to an opposing pitcher as you walk to the plate to take a few practice cuts.
My final suggestion was the best, Neil Diamond’s “Girl You’ll be a Woman Soon.” I mean, come on.
But I am not daunted after being so thoroughly ignored. I come to you today with five new selections to add to the preferred walk-up music list. Are you in a slump? (I’m looking at you, Kyle Schwarber) Maybe try one of these walk-up songs on for size.
Prince – “Kiss”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93J52A7JRLo
Oh, do you feel that? The overt dominant sexual message sent right to the pitcher’s dominant arm. That first guitar riff hits, them Prince moans and every woman in the stands immediately ovulates.
Want something with a little harder edge?
Soundgarden – “Outshined”
The fact that Chris Cornell is dead is something I have yet to successfully emotionally deal with. But like most of his fans, be it from Soundgarden, Audioslave or his solo work, I’ve been going back through the good stuff. Not only does this song start out with a kick-ass riff, if you wanted to start it 1:17 you get, “Show me the power child, I’d like to say that I’m down on my knees today. Gives me the butterflies, gives me away until I’m back on my feet again.”
You like rap? Hey, I generally don’t but that doesn’t mean a solid song does filter into my subconscious, usually through a movie.
DMX – “X Gonna Give it You”
But Adam, you say, what about me, the overly religious MLB player who wants everyone to know Jesus is swinging this bat with me? Oh, I’ve got your covered.
P.O.D. – “Here Comes the Boom”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZjpnXcGZ9w
But what about me, another of you counter, the country music fan who wants to celebrate the plight of the toothless working man who just happens to be my same skin tone?
Other than Johnny Cash, I got nothing, but here’s Kid Rock. Close enough.
Kid Rock – “Bawitdaba”
And there you have it MLB. I can’t pick all your songs for you, but now you’ve got a solid 10 to at least start the process on your own. As always, you are welcome.
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