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NFL First Quarter Grades Part 2

Our NFL first quarter grades continue. To read Part 1, click here.

Probably Cheating, but getting away with it

Los Angeles Rams (3-1), Atlanta Falcons (3-1), Oakland Raiders (3-1)

Of all the scenarios in the preseason, the idea that the Rams and Falcons would be leading their respective divisions after the first month is easily the most ridiculous. Los Angeles opened the season with a shutout loss to one of the worst teams in the league, then have managed three straight shocking wins that has Jeff Fisher living in a diving suit of his own farts.

The Falcons did pretty much the same thing, opened with a shit loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, then turned it on in one shootout after another, culminating in some historic stats in a win over the the Carolina Panthers. The Raiders flipped the script completely, beginning the season with a ballsy win by a two-point conversion over the New Orleans Saints, a close loss to the Falcons, then two close victories over the Tennessee Titans and Baltimore Ravens.

Your mom and I are disappointed in you

Green Bay Packers (2-1), Cincinnati Bengals (2-2), Houston Texans (3-1), Carolina Panthers (1-3), Kansas City Chiefs (2-2), New York Giants (2-2)

While none of these teams are out of the playoff mix yet, they’ve all underperformed significantly. Coming into this weekend the Packers have one of the least productive offenses in the league. Mike McCarthy thought that taking over the playcalling for good would fix a suddenly haphazerd Green Bay attack, but instead it’s just continued to sputter through games.

The Bengals have been dominated by their legitimate opponents (the Denver Broncos and Pittsburgh Steelers) and with the Dallas Cowboys and New England Patriots coming up on the schedule, could easily start the season 2-4. The late-game problems the Giants suffered through last season that knocked them out of the playoff hunt have resurfaced with a late fourth-quarter fold against the Redskins. Kansas City, facing one of the league’s elite squads, looked like a team of JuCo transfers in a 43-14 beat-down from the Steelers. When you see their wins are against the Jets and Chargers, it only makes that loss look worse.

Finally the Panthers, who came into the season loaded with the NFL’s best player and most productive offense from 2015, has lost two straight games and is tied with the Buccaneers for the bottom spot in the NFC South.

The Sweathogs

Buffalo Bills (2-2), New York Jets (1-3), Indianapolis Colts (1-3), Arizona Cardinals (2-3), Washington Redskins (2-2), New Orleans Saints (1-3)

This group of teams manages to be in every game for at least three quarters only to usually suffer an inglorious and well-deserved defeat at the final buzzer. Each squad has decided to double-down on the weaknesses on their roster, whether it be the Bills and Jets going to battle with sub-par back up quarterbacks, to the Saints deciding that defense isn’t really so important. The Colts too have hand-waved their defensive issues and instead focused on improving their offensive line, but did so in a way that has to this point shown no improvement.

The Redskins were the luckiest team in the league last season, going 9-7 as the rest of the NFC East collapsed around them and thinking they’d “made it” and just needed a few pieces to complete a Super Bowl puzzle. Instead, Kirk Cousins has been reintroduced to reality and Jay Gruden remains a bloated sack of rejected pork tripe that a wicked witch brought to life.

Bruce Arians and the Cardinals have the same problem every year and that problem has a name; Carson Palmer. Either Palmer can’t stay healthy or he stays healthy and remembers he’s Carson Palmer. Either way, Arizona has needed to plan for its quarterback future since Arians was hired and has just flatly refused to do it.

Abject Failures

Miami Dolphins (1-3), San Diego Chargers (1-3), Chicago Bears (1-3), Detroit Lions (1-3)

It’s difficult to put all the blame on new head coach Adam Gase with the Dolphins as Ryan Tannehill has pulled a full Colin Kaepernick and revealed he can’t play NFL quarterback after signing a fat new contract. John Fox’s second year with the Bears remains shackled with Jay Cutler and now that Cutler is hurt, Brian Hoyer, which is only an upgrade as long as nobody tells Hoyer. He’s one “your the guy now” away from throwing seven interceptions and jumping off a bridge.

Three seasons ago the Lions inexplicably hired Jim Caldwell as their new coach and last year inexplicably kept him as their head coach. The Chargers at least had an excuse to keep Mike McCoy, claiming it would make a move to Los Angeles easier, but since that didn’t happen they’re stuck with another 4-12 season and the only thing interesting about their team is the odds of McCoy making it to the 16th game before getting shitcanned.

You Should Probably Drop Out

Tennessee Titans (1-3), Cleveland Browns (0-4), Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3), San Francisco 49ers (1-4), Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3)

I would say that at least you’re trying hard, but considering Hue Jackson is the only coach here that is actually employable in the NFL, it would be a lie. Gus Bradley and Mike Mularkey are historically awful coaches, Hall of Fame worthy in their career records. The Glazer family wanted Koetter to be an upgrade over Lovie Smith and he wouldn’t be an upgrade over Lovie Howell.

Chip Kelly is stuck with Blaine Gabbert at quarterback and a team with two legitimate NFL players left on the roster, running back Carlos Hyde and wide receiever Jeremy Kerley. His gimmick offense continues to look worse every week and he’s losing defensive players faster than The Walking Dead kills of cast members.

Written by Adam Greene

Adam Greene is a writer and photographer based out of East Tennessee. His work has appeared on Cracked.com, in USA Today, the Associated Press, the Chicago Cubs Vineline Magazine, AskMen.com and many other publications.

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