We still have the same teams in the Top Five, but they’ve rearranged themselves a little. The rest of the poll is in complete turmoil. Onward!
1. New England Patriots – (8-0) Nine weeks now at No. 1, but Tom Brady’s kryptonite and children’s real dad shows up on the schedule this week to save us all. Help us, Eli Manning. You’re our only hope. Last week: No. 1
2. Cincinnati Bengals – (8-0) Another week, another dominating Bengals performance in a game that could have been a trap. Now the Texans come to Cincinnati trying to spring their own. show up on the schedule to keep that streak going. Last week: No. 3
3. Carolina Panthers – (8-0) The time to start taking the Panthers seriously has long past. The time to talk about them being the NFC representative in the Super Bowl is at hand. Last week: No. 4
4. Denver Broncos – (7-1) The trap in Indianapolis was sprung, knocking the Broncos from the unbeatens. None to fear as the Chiefs come to Mile High to help start a new win streak. Last week: 2
5. Green Bay Packers – (6-2) I never thought Aaron Rodgers and the Packers would lose back-to-back games this season, even though they were both elite teams and the Packers were on the road. Neither of those problems will show up this week. Last week: No. 5
6. Arizona Cardinals – (6-2) The Cardinals travel to Seattle to face the first decent team on their schedule since the Rams. Expect the same result. Last week: No. 6
7. Minnesota Vikings – (6-2) The Vikings had no respect for the St. Louis Rams offense in that game. None. And they showed it by kicking off in the overtime period. Where was that sack Week One against the pathetic 49ers? Last week: No. 10
8. New York Giants – (5-4) I want to thank you guys ahead of time for wrapping up this whole Patriots undefeated thing. Last week: No. 12
9. St. Louis Rams – (4-4) The Rams have plenty of big-play guys, but didn’t have a single “little-play” guy until they signed Wes Welker Monday. It shouldn’t have taken nine weeks to figure that out. Last week: No. 7
10. Seattle Seahawks – (4-4) The Seahawks had an extra week to get their offensive line in order and if they’re like the other teams in the league with similar problems, it won’t make a damn bit of difference. Last week: No. 8
11. Atlanta Falcons – (6-3) Two bad losses and suddenly the Falcons are three games back of the Panthers and relegated to the second wild card spot if the playoffs started today. The bye comes just in time to get your act together before the real teams show up on your schedule. Last week: No. 11
12. Pittsburgh Steelers – (5-4) Ben Roethlisberger’s return lasted all of two games, but Landry Jones has emerged enough to keep the Steelers in the race thanks to a wide open wild card field. Last week: No. 13
13. Oakland Raiders – (4-4) A tough, well-played, close loss to the Steelers at Heinz Field is anything but a joke. This Raiders team may find a way to sneak into the playoffs a year early. Last week: No. 14
14. New York Jets – (5-3) Rex Ryan says that Ryan Fitzpatrick isn’t handsome, but what does he expect at the beginning of November? Mrs. Claus still has a month and a half to fatten him up before Christmas Eve. Last week: No. 15
15. Buffalo Bills – (4-4) To respond to Rex Ryan’s “handsome” comment, Fitzpatrick should have just taken off his shoe, propped his bare foot on the podium and said, “Bet this changes your mind.” Last week: No. 16
16. Indianapolis Colts – (4-5) The Colts’ season was saved, it seemed, with a huge win over the Broncos, but pointed back towards the toilet with news that Andrew Luck will miss at least a month. Last week: No. 17
17. Philadelphia Eagles – (4-4) Sam Bradford led the Eagles to the win last week, showing once again he plays his best when mediocrity is on the line. Last week: No. 18
18. New Orleans Saints – (4-5) Is it going to take seven Drew Brees touchdown passes every game, Saints? Well, it might but then I see your playing the Redskins this week so it’s all good. Last week: No. 11
19. Chicago Bears – (3-5) The Bears show up again with a great come-from-behind win that just screwed up every parlay on the planet. Bettors are going to file a class action suit against Jay Cutler before this season is over. Last week: No. 29
20. San Francisco 49ers – (3-6) Blaine Gabbert picks up the biggest win of his career, helping his team win it’s third game of the season in nine tries. Meanwhile Colin Kaepernick was booed when he took a snap in the game and, of course, threw an incompletion. Last week: No. 30
21. Tennessee Titans – (2-6) I won’t be fooled by you, Mike Mularkey. This is Dan Campbell all over again and you can just forget it. Last week: No. 31
22. Houston Texans – (3-5) Hey, look who still has a team? Anybody still want to talk about J.J. Watt being the MVP as his team battles for a Top Five draft pick? Last week: No. 20
23. Baltimore Ravens – (2-6) Speaking of draft position, I’ve got a bad feeling that this Ravens team is going to spend the next two months screwing theirs, costing them a shot a Laquon Treadwell. Last week: No. 21
24. Miami Dolphins – (3-5) Speaking of Dan Campbell, I know he’s a big guy, but the impact crater left from his fall back to earth just swallowed up Epcot. Last week: No. 19
25. San Diego Chargers – (2-7) Mike McCoy is in so much danger of losing his job I literally had to google him before I wrote this to make sure the Chargers hadn’t fired him. Frankly, I may have to check again before this article goes live. Last week: No. 22
26. Kansas City Chiefs – (3-5) Well, a trip to Mile High off your bye to face a pissed off Broncos team in need of a bounce back game after their first loss. There may not be enough prime rib at the local Golden Corral to stifle these upcoming tears, Andy Reid. Last week: No. 24
27. Dallas Cowboys – (2-6) Fun fact: The Cowboys have held second-half leads in five of their six losses this season, so I’m sure that record is all about missing Tony Romo and has nothing to do with a collapsing defense. Last week: No. 25
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – (3-5) Three wins, some close losses and now Jameis Winston doesn’t look so much like Marcus Mariota’s “Ryan Leaf.” Maybe more his “Alex Smith.” Last week: No. 28
29. Jacksonville Jaguars – (2-6) Another close loss last week, Jaguars. Keep this up and you’ll miss out of that annual Top Five draft pick. Last week: No. 27
30. Washington Redskins – (3-5) The gauntlet continues with a Saints team coming off a loss than can drop 50 on you at will. Meanwhile, there’s an Amber Alert going on for RG3 if anyone has any information. Last week: No. 23
31. Cleveland Browns – (2-7) Head coach Mike Pettine is keeping his starting quarterback a secret for now, not realizing that no one on Earth cares. Not even in Cleveland. Last week: No. 26
32. Detroit Lions – (1-7) Jim Caldwell, I have to feel like there’s a box with a stapler, a photo of your family and a ficus plant sitting outside your office come next Monday morning. Last week: No. 32
