It’s time to put a horrible week of NFL football results behind and us and look forward to the future. The only problem is when it comes to the Power Rankings, all we have to go on is the past. The depressing, awful past. As always, onward!
1. New England Patriots – (9-0) Man, Patriots. That deal with Satan must be ironclad. You’d think or hope that karma, justice or just the concept of “what goes around comes around” would come into play with New England at some point. Nope. Last week: No. 1
2. Carolina Panthers – (9-0) If anyone reading this can honestly say they predicted the Panthers would start the season 9-0 with victories over the Seahawks, the Colts and the Packers, all I can say to you is, thanks for reading the Power Rankings, Cam Newton. Last week: No. 3
3. Cincinnati Bengals – (8-1) It was time to drop a game for the Bengals, really and the only factor that really makes it stick out is that the Patriots and Panthers haven’t. They’re past due, but on the bright side for the Bengals, they got their “crap the bed” game out of the way early. Last week: No. 2
4. Arizona Cardinals – (7-2) Suddenly the paper champions have started to look like they might be real champions. Is it too much to think we might end up with a Carson Palmer-themed Super Bowl with the Cardinals taking on the Bengals? Last week: No. 6
5. Denver Broncos – (7-2) Peyton is hurt and Brock Osweiller will get the start this week at Chicago against a surging Bears team coached by the guy the Broncos fired. This ranking will probably change. Last week: 4
6. Green Bay Packers – (6-3) Suddenly the Packers are reeling, up is down, dogs and cats are living together and… Last week: No. 5
7. Minnesota Vikings – (7-2) …The Vikings are a game up in the NFC North. Minnesota looked like the worst team in football in their Week One loss to the 49ers and now they’re completely unbeatable. How did this happen? Last week: No. 7
8. Pittsburgh Steelers – (6-4) Ben Roethlisberger came back in with one leg and kept the Steelers’ season rolling with a dismantling of the Cleveland Browns. Now they travel to Seattle, to do the same to the Seahawks. Last week: No. 12
9. New York Giants – (5-5) A dropped pick and a dropped touchdown pass cost them the game against the Patriots. This still looks like the second best team in the NFC to me. Last week: No. 12
10. Buffalo Bills – (5-4) The Bills waltzed in to the Meadowlands and embarrassed the Jets and pretty much the entire state of New Jersey last week. Can they do the same to New England Monday night? Last week: No. 15
11. Atlanta Falcons – (6-3) The bye week couldn’t have come at a better time for the floundering Falcons. Drawing a beat up Colts team at home isn’t a bad way to start the second half of the season. Last week: No. 11
12. Oakland Raiders – (4-5) It’s a bad week to be a mediocre team in the rankings as the Raiders actually move up a spot by virtue of being the best of a middling lot. Last week: No. 13
13. St. Louis Rams – (4-5) If you think this is too high for a pathetically-performing Rams team, you’re not alone. But which of the dumpster fires below them do I put in this spot? Last week: No. 9
14. Seattle Seahawks – (4-5) Speaking of dumpster fires, here’s a fun fact. The Seahawks have held a second-half lead in every game they’ve played this season. They’ve lost five of them. Last week: No. 10
15. New York Jets – (5-4) Are you ashamed Todd Bowles? Are you bummed out Ryan Fitzpatrick? Are you searching for ways to keep Boomer Esiason from inappropriately putting his hands on you, Brandon Marshall? Well, you should be. You should all feel those things. Last week: No. 14
16. Indianapolis Colts – (4-5) How much does Matt Hasselbeck have in him? The Colts are about to find out for the next four-to-six weeks. They better hope he has something in the tank because the AFC South has suddenly become competitive. Last week: No. 16
17. Chicago Bears – (4-5) The Bears destroyed the Rams in every way, which would have meant something a month ago when the Rams were playing NFL football. Last week: No. 19
18. Philadelphia Eagles – (4-5) Mark Sanchez is back Eagles fans! How does that feel? Kind of like food poisoning? Like you ate some bad sausage? Yeah, I thought so. Last week: No. 17
19. New Orleans Saints – (4-6) the Saints have the week off and a new defensive coordinator, pretty much screwing up everybody’s daily fantasy team that started whichever QB is playing against the Saints. Last week: No. 18
20. Houston Texans – (4-5) A big win over the Bengals and now suddenly the Texans are alive in the AFC South, tied with the Colts and working hard to lose in the first week of the playoffs. Godspeed, men. Last week: No. 22
21. San Francisco 49ers – (3-6) The 49ers return from the bye week to face the reeling Seahawks in the second game of the Blaine Gabbert era. You can’t stop The Gab. You can only hope to contain him. Last week: No. 20
22. Miami Dolphins – (4-5) Dan Campbell, what the hell? We talked about this. You were supposed to go back to losing now and you keep screwing up by winning. And now here come the Cowboys. Pbfft. Last week: No. 24
23. Kansas City Chiefs – (4-5) How about that? You beat the Broncos and the desiccated remains of Peyton Manning? It’s November and the Chiefs are still alive. Who would have guessed that was possible a month ago? Last week: No. 26
24. Tennessee Titans – (2-7) Mike Mularkey has the team playing at pretty much the same level Ken Whisenhunt reached. So I guess he’ll be fired Friday morning. Last week: No. 21
25. Baltimore Ravens – (2-7) There’s a low point, then there’s losing at home to the Jaguars. The Ravens are heading toward a Top Five pick and the good news at least is that GM Ozzie Newsome doesn’t seem to waste those. Last week: No. 23
26. San Diego Chargers – (2-7) Mike McCoy describes his team as “a salty bunch” that can “get this thing going again.” If ever a statement showed why a man will be unemployed at the end of the season, that’s pretty much it. Last week: No. 25
27. Washington Redskins – (4-5) Kirk Cousins has solidified his position as not only the Redskins’ starter, but as the season’s daily fantasy MVP after last week’s performance against the Saints. Last week: No. 30
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – (4-5) It’s November and Jameis Winston has the Buccaneers alive in the NFC playoff hunt. The better news is they have the Sanchez-led Eagles coming up this week and the Luck-less Colts the week after. Something may be brewing in Tampa and not just the latest Lovecraftian STD. Last week: No. 28
29. Jacksonville Jaguars – (3-6) The Jaguars filled their roster like a Madden franchise in the offseason and here in November it’s starting to pay off. It won’t lead to the playoffs or anything, but six wins at this point is a new Jaguars era. Last week: No. 29
30. Detroit Lions – (2-7) How bad are things for the Packers over the last month? They lost to this Lions team, pulling Jim Caldwell’s group out of the No. 32 ranking for the first time since September. Last week: No. 32
31. Dallas Cowboys – (2-7) Guess who’s back, Cowboys fans? Tony Romo, the quarterback you wanted to run out of town three years ago is now the savior of your franchise. It’s probably too late. Last week: No. 27
32. Cleveland Browns – (2-8) Johnny Manziel gets the nod the rest of the way, making my bold prediction of eight wins with Manziel at quarterback a possibility. Not a probability, but a possibility. Last week: No. 31
