With Week 13 of the NFL season about to kick off, it’s time to take a look at our arbitrary and completely meaningless Power Rankings. The beauty of professional sports is that all this kind of nonsense is actually settled on the field. That doesn’t keep us from arguing about it in the meantime.
Prepare your Twitter beeves (yep, that’s the plural of “beef.” Come at me, bro.)
1. Philadelphia Eagles – (10-1) The Eagles have bulldozed their way through the NFC so far, but they’ll face their sternest test Sunday night against the Seahawks. Last week: 1
2. New England Patriots – (9-2) The Patriots can still play the Steelers for home field advantage in a couple of weeks with a stumble against the Bills Sunday. That might be enough of a reason to take it easy with the gameplan and protect Tom Brady. It’s not like they have to worry about the Titans or the Chiefs. Last week: No. 2
3. Pittsburgh Steelers – (9-2) The Steelers might control their home field destiny, but have no room for error. Even though they’re currently the No. 1 seed in the AFC, the Patriots are looming large on the schedule. Pittsburgh needs to be primed and ready for that face off and not screw it up by playing down to the Bengals Monday night. Last week: No. 3
4. Minnesota Vikings – (9-2) Another week, another terrific Case Keenum performance. I’m starting to think that maybe he wasn’t the problem in Jeff Fisher and Rob Boras’ offense with the Rams last year. Last week: No. 4
5. Los Angeles Rams – (8-3) Sean McVay took the first Sean-per Bowl Trophy against Sean Payton and no, I’m not letting it go. Sean-per Bowl is a thing now. No, you stop trying to make your idea happen. Last week: No. 5
6. New Orleans Saints – (8-3) After dropping the Sean-per Bowl (It’s growing on you, right?) the Saints now face a battle for the NFC South against the Panthers Sunday. Last week: No. 5
7. Carolina Panthers – (8-3) I’ve said this the last couple of weeks and it remains true; no one is talking about this Panthers team. No good stories. No distractions concerning Cam Newton anymore. They just keep winning. That should scare the shit out of everybody. Last week: No. 10
8. Atlanta Falcons – (7-4) The Falcons recent decision to suck considerably less has created a three team scrum atop the NFC South that will likely go right down to the wire. As it is, the two Wild Card spots sit as consolation prizes. Last week: No. 11
9. Seattle Seahawks – (7-4) The Seahawks currently sit outside the playoff bracket in spite of their record. Knocking off the Eagles Sunday could change that. Last week: No. 12
10. Tennessee Titans – (7-4) Somehow, in spite of everything, Mike Mularkey has his team leading the AFC South with five games to go. Don’t worry, he’ll find some way to screw it up. Last week: No. 13
11. Jacksonville Jaguars – (7-4) Speaking of screwing it up, the Jaguars had a chance to ensure their first non losing season in two presidential administrations, but fumbled it away against Blaine Gabbert and the Cardinals. Now they’re in the Wild Card spot and chasing the Titans. Last week: No. 9
12. Kansas City Chiefs – (6-5) All five of the Chiefs’ losses have come in the last six games. This looked like the best team in the NFL back in September and now they look like a squad that doesn’t even deserve to make the playoffs. Thanks to their recent losing ways, the Raiders and Chargers are right on their heels so they may not. Last week: No. 7
13. Baltimore Ravens – (6-5) Speaking of teams Cosmo Kramering into the playoffs, the Ravens currently hold a death grip on the final Wild Card spot in the AFC. To keep it, they’ll have to hold off Matthew Stafford and the Lions at M&T Stadium. Last week: No. 18
14. Detroit Lions – (6-5) Meanwhile, the Lions have their own playoff possibility ahead of them. This Ravens game is the toughest left on their schedule. They finish up against the Bucs, the Bears, the Bengals and the Packers. Last week: No. 10
15. Buffalo Bills – (6-5) Tyrod Taylor wasn’t great in the Bills’ win over the Chiefs, but he didn’t throw five picks. So that’s something at least. Last week: No. 17
16. Dallas Cowboys – (5-6) If the Cowboys have any chance of resurrecting their playoff hopes, they have to take out the Redskins Thursday night at AT&T Stadium. Last week: No. 14
17. Washington Redskins – (5-6) The only problem with that is the Redskins are favored by the books. The loser of this one can pack in the rest of the season. Last week: No. 15
18. Oakland Raiders – (5-6) In spite of all their efforts to the contrary, the Raiders are still in the AFC playoff hunt. In fact, thanks to Kansas City’s swoon, they’re not even out of the AFC West race. Last week: No. 16
19. Green Bay Packers – (5-6) Brett Hundley decided to show up, but he picked the wrong team to do it against. The Packers were just overmatched against the Steelers. Last week: No. 20
20. Los Angeles Chargers – (5-6) Like the Raiders, somehow the Chargers have gotten back into the AFC mix. So, yeah, that conference is trash after the top two teams. Last week: No. 21
21. Arizona Cardinals – (5-6) Bruce Arians might just roll with Blaine Gabbert for the rest of the season. Congratulations, everybody the Cardinals play. Last week: No. 22
22. Cincinnati Bengals – (5-6) Somehow the Bengals have gotten back involved in the AFC playoff race as well. Too bad for them they don’t share a division with the Chiefs. They might have had a real shot. Last week: No. 24
23. Miami Dolphins – (4-7) Hey, Jay Cutler should be back this week. Does anybody give a shit? No? Not even Cutler. OK, then. Last week: No. 19
24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – (4-7) Jameis Winston should be back this Sunday after the team went 2-1 without him. This is a lost season, but maybe he can produce some solid fantasy points for the championship weeks of your league. Last week: No. 23
25. Houston Texans – (4-7) Tom Savage’s agent is, for some reason, conspicuously silent this week. Last week: No. 25
26. New York Jets – (4-7) Spirited effort against the Panthers at home, Jets. It did no good, but, hey, small victories, fellas. Last week: No. 27
27. Denver Broncos – (3-8) Paxton Lynch, we hardly knew ye. Last week: No. 28
28. Indianapolis Colts – (3-8) This is not the team that can hold on in the fourth quarter. The fact that they held a lead on the Titans at all in the final stanza says a lot about the squad a new coach will inherit. Last week: No. 29
29. Chicago Bears – (3-8) Here’s something you might not know. The Bears have a game this week against the 49ers. Well, maybe you did know you and just didn’t care. Last week: No. 29
30. New York Giants – (2-9) Ben McAdoo has decided to go ahead and shit all the beds by starting Geno Smith over Eli Manning. Just toss another diaper on the dumpster fire. Last week: No. 30
31. San Francisco 49ers – (1-10) The Jimmy Garoppolo era officially begins against the Bears Sunday. So now maybe some of you do care. Last week: No. 31
32. Cleveland Browns – (0-11) Will Josh Gordon’s return make a difference in how badly the Browns lose Sunday to the Chargers? Last week: No. 32
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