Are you not entertained? The NFL season is upon us and it’s time for our arbitrary opening power rankings bases solely on what happened last season and gut feelings this season. Some of these might surprise you, in that teams I’ve picked to make the playoffs start low on the list. But those squads are being punished for their 2016s and, regardless of what I’ve prognosticated, they need to prove it on the field.
1. New England Patriots – (0-0) I’m a firm believer in “The Nature Boy” Rick Flair’s philosphy of, “To be the man, you gotta beat the man. Until they lose, the Patriots are the man. Last season: 14-2, Super Bowl 51 Champion
2. Atlanta Falcons – (0-0) The Falcons blew their chance at a Super Bowl title with ridiculous playcalling. They only way to make it right is to get back and win. Last season: 11-5, NFC Champion
3. Dallas Cowboys – (0-0) For the Cowboys, the news season represents a chance to make up for a blown opportunity last season. They get a chance at revenge on the New York Giants, the team that beat them twice, in Week One. Last season: 13-3, lost in the Divisional Round
4. Pittsburgh Steelers – (0-0) The Steelers have one more season with Le’Veon Bell and their full compliment of offensive weapons. With Ben Roethlisberger threatening retirement, the time to win in Pittsburgh is now.Last season: 11-5, lost in the AFC Championship
5. Oakland Raiders – (0-0) Derek Carr’s broken leg derailed Oakland’s Super Bowl hopes last season. A healthy Carr could get this Raiders team all the way to Minneapolis. Last season: 12-4, lost in the Wild Card Round
6. Green Bay Packers – (0-0) If the Packers that played the last month and a half of last season show up out the gate, there’s probably not a team that can stop them. Last season: 10-6, lost in the NFC Championship
7. Seattle Seahawks – (0-0) Through trades and acquisitions this might be the strongest Seahawks team to enter a season since their two Super Bowl runs. Last season: 10-5-1, lost in the Divisional Round
8. Kansas City Chiefs – (0-0) The Chiefs start out in the Top 10 and while I still expect them to make the playoffs, I do predict a sudden drop until they work in some real wide receivers. Last season: 12-4, lost in the Divisional Round
9. New York Giants – (0-0) If the offense we’ve seen all preseason for the Giants shows up this weekend, it could be a long season for the boys in blue. Last season: 11-5, lost in the Divisional Round
10. Tennessee Titans – (0-0) The Titans should not only find success by virtue of a week division, but by having one of the strongest rosters in the AFC. All this in spite of Mike Mularkey’s coaching. Last season, 9-7
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – (0-0) Hard Knocks actually did a solid job with the Buccaneers this off-season. Now Tampa Bay has to show the hype is justified. Last season: 9-7
12. Miami Dolphins – (0-0) Jay Cutler has earned one more ticket to the dance. Can he take the Dolphins beyond third base at the after party? Last season: 10-6, lost in the Wild Card Round
13. Detroit Lions – (0-0) What Matthew Stafford gets in new cash will more than make up for the lack of wins headed his way in Detroit. He’ll still get to enjoy himself, is what I’m saying. Last season: 9-7, lost in the Wild Card Round
14. Denver Broncos – (0-0) The Broncos have three quarterbacks on the roster that have started NFL games and don’t really trust any of them. Last season: 9-7
15. Houston Texans – (0-0) For Houston’s sake, I wish you had a better head coach and were going with Desean Watson at quarterback all season. Last season: 9-7, lost in the Divisional Round
16. Washington Redskins – (0-0) If Kirk Cousins can put his previous numbers with the shitshow at wide receiver and a new offensive coordinator, he’ll be a $26 million man next season, regardless of where he plays. Last season: 8-7-1
17. Indianapolis Colts – (0-0) The longer Andrew Luck is out, the more head coach Chuck Pagano will be exposed. This is his farewell tour. Last season: 8-8
18. Arizona Cardinals – (0-0) Plenty of people are not only picking the Arizona Cardinals to return to the playoffs, but even a few pundits are prognosticating a Super Bowl appearance. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. Last season: 7-8-1
19. Philadelphia Eagles – (0-0) Carson Wentz gets to show how he’s improved in his sophomore season with better offensive pieces around him. Last season: 7-9
20. Minnesota Vikings – (0-0) Speaking of guys who should be in their farewell season, Mike Zimmer will need to find some new excuses to explain why his Vikings don’t make the playoffs again this year. Last season: 8-8
21. Cincinnati Bengals – (0-0) I expect a bounce back year for Andy Dalton, but not the Bengals. The class of the AFC has left them behind. Last season: 6-9-1
22. Baltimore Ravens – (0-0) Joe Flacco is slated to start Sunday after missing all the preseason with a back issue. If they team can convince him it’s a playoff game, they’ll be fine. Last season: 8-8
23. New Orleans Saints – (0-0) The Saints kept both Sean Payton and Drew Brees, now let’s see if it gets them over .500 this season. Last season: 7-9
24. Carolina Panthers – (0-0) Cam Newton is healthy and the Panthers are still loaded, especially on a defense that underachieved last season. Last season: 6-10
25. Los Angeles Chargers – (0-0) The Battle of the Hearts and Minds of Los Angeles has already started and considering the Chargers might not fill up a soccer stadium, it might have already ended. Last season: 5-11
26. Los Angeles Rams – (0-0) Sean McVay gets a crack at saving Jared Goff from the bust pile. He’ll do it facing an Andrew Luck-less Colts team, but probably without Aaron Donald. Last season: 4-12
27. Jacksonville Jaguars – (0-0) Doug Marrone makes his Jags head coaching debut, but he’s still stuck with the same quarterback situation that won all of three games last year. Last season: 3-13
28. San Francisco 49ers – (0-0) Kyle Shanahan’s offense looked pretty sharp in the preseason. Of course, it looked pretty sharp in the first half of the Super Bowl too. Last season: 2-14
29. Chicago Bears – (0-0) John Fox gets one more chance to finish below .500 with the Bears. The over/under on Mike Glennon pick sixes is 2.5 in Week One. Last season: 3-13
30. Buffalo Bills – (0-0) The Bills saw the job the New York Jets were doing tanking and got so jealous they almost asked someone to hold their beer. Last season: 7-9
31. Cleveland Browns – (0-0) DeShone Kizer is the 123rd quarterback to start for the Browns since 1999. That number might not be accurate. He could be the 124th. Last season: 1-15
32. New York Jets – (0-0) Todd Bowles will wish he’d been fired last season after he slogs through this Jets dumpster fire. Last season: 5-11
