At this point the only shocking news coming out of Rio de Janeiro would be that they’re ready for the 2016 Summer Olympics and everything is going off without a hitch.
Every weekend we check in to see how Rio is doing and pretty much every single week it gets worse. And just when you think a story is so insane it couldn’t be true, something even crazier happens. For instance…
This week Brazil thought it would be a good idea to pose a guy with the Olympic torch next to a chained up jaguar. For some reason the jaguar wasn’t consulted about his thoughts on the matter and made his displeasure known by escaping and attacking a soldier. After filling the jaguar, named Juma, with enough tranquilizers to mellow out Charlie Sheen, the handlers finally had to shoot it to save the soldier. And, since this story is horrible, they did it execution style with a pistol to its head.
“Juma was a docile animal used to living among people at the center,” the Brazilian Army said in a statement. “…We were wrong to allow the Olympic Torch, a symbol of peace and of the union among the peoples to be displayed alongside a wild animal in chains. …We guarantee that we will not see more situations like this in the Rio 2016 Games.”
That’s got to be bad news for those of you who wanted jaguar assassination added to this year’s games. Better luck in 2020, Dr. Walter Palmer.
The cap popped in Juma wasn’t the only crazy news involving the Olympic torch this week. A guy in Maracaju, Mato Grosso do Sul, a city in southwestern Brazil, tried to extinguish the Olympic torch by chucking a bucket of water at it.
Marcelino Mateus Silva Proenca, much like the Rio Olympic Committee, completely missed the mark and only doused the torch bearer and the surrounding cops. He was later arrested at his home.
The Olympic torch is carried every four years from Olympia in Greece to wherever that year’s games are being held and it’s supposed to not be extinguished until it’s used to light the ceremonial torch to open the games. This year the torch will travel over 20,000 miles, be carried by more than 12,000 people and kill at least one apex cat predator.
Think that’s as crazy as it’s going to get? You know nothing, Jon Snow.
Wednesday pieces of a mutilated body parts washed up on the shore just a few feet away where the Olympics will hold the beach volleyball competition.
A guy hanging out at Copacabana Beach stumbled upon a dismembered human foot Wednesday morning much like the opening scene of an episode of Bones. Another body part was found, but authorities won’t say what it is. Let’s just hope the head doesn’t show up when they start the volleyball competition. That could lead to a very awkward moment.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzfEMIPA6Bg
If the fact that there could be an active serial killer on the loose doesn’t make you a little wary of your Rio reservations, how about the police and firefighters protesting Rio’s debt problems by holding up a banner reading, “WELCOME TO HELL” to greet people departing their planes at the Rio airport?
“Police and firefighters don’t get paid,” the banner said under the all caps welcome. “Whoever comes to Rio de Janeiro will not be safe.”
That’s good to know. The police are actually protesting all over the country, not just about their pay, but the lack of fuel for their vehicles and even toilet paper in the restroom, at least those few police stations with functioning toilets. This year 52 police officers have been killed.
And finally, any hope that Brazil could clean up its poop and super bacteria-covered beaches before the games has been pretty much dashed. In response the US Olympic Team, at least, is planning a disinfectant regimen every time they get out of the water. They’ll be wearing special anti-bacterial suits. The waters are filled with human refuse and testing in December showed the viruses from that crap are at levels 1.7 million times what would be considered “alarming.” So good luck, guys.
