Starring: Kevin Costner, Chadwick Boseman, Jennifer Garner, Dennis Leary and a host of way-too-happy to be there ESPN and NFL Network commentators
Director: Ivan Reitman
Writers: Scott Rothman, Rajiv Joseph
Draft Day is the story of a grown man with a deadly brain-eating parasite whose Make-A-Wish is to run the Cleveland Browns and the chaos that ensues when his dream is made real by an evil genie tasked by Satan to raise the suicide rate in Northern Ohio.
The movie opens in Seattle, which we know is a lie because it isn’t raining. There we see two nefarious Seahawks executives, one played by Chi McBride and the other by a man whose name I will not bother looking up. In the alternate universe in which this movie takes place, the Seahawks aren’t coming off their first Super Bowl win in franchise history, but instead sit at No. 1 with the top pick in the draft. They want to move the pick, getting a “trade like the Rams got” for the No. 2 pick; three No. 1s and a No. 2. It should hearten Washington Redskins fans that even in an alternate universe separated from ours by string theory physics and the laws of God and space-time, the Redskins are still run by complete morons.
Chi McBride asks the white-haired guy, “Who’s the most desperate guy you know?” The scene then moves to Kevin Costner in Cleveland. I’m sure a similar conversation was had in the casting office when they first thought of offering Costner the part.
Costner’s character is a little off his game after finding out he’s about to be a dad at 59. Costner’s girlfriend is played Jennifer Garner, which wasn’t too bad as far as age differences go. Garner was 43 when this movie was made and was probably just happy she could still play a woman with viable eggs and not in the early throws of perimenopause.
The white-haired guy calls Costner with a trade offer. Seattle gives Cleveland the No. 1 pick, presumably the Heisman Trophy-winning Bo Callahan and in returned the Browns give the Seahawks this year’s first-rounder (No. 7) and next year’s first-rounder and a third rounder the following year. Callahan, according to the TVs that play in the background is the “next Andrew Luck” which means two things I that’s the case: 1. Seattle would be fools to offer to trade this pick and 2. The Browns would be fools not to take it. So there’s got to be a problem and you know there is, because you’ve watched movies before.
Costner is driving to his office when the movie sets an early high mark for dumb. He’s called on his cell phone by linebacker Vontae Mack, who is lobbying to be the No. 7 pick. Mack doesn’t want to drop out of the Top 10 because he “can’t take no late-teens money.” This is what happens when people write a movie about a sport which they possess no knowledge. The No. 7 pick this year was Kevin White of West Virginia who signed a four-year, $16.56 million contract. At No. 20. the Philadelphia Eagles took Nelson Agholor and signed him to a four-year deal worth $9.38 million. That’s a $7 million-dollar difference spread out over four years, sure, but a 21-22 year-old kid could probably make due with $10 million I think. What the Hell do the writers of this movie think a No. 20 pick makes? Expired Hardees coupons?
The mean Browns owner, played by Dracula, threatens to fire Costner if he doesn’t “make a splash.” He owns a water park, see. And he’s an idiot. Costner calls up the Seahawks to take the deal, but they’ve changed it. They want three No. 1s now. Costner takes the deal.
There are too many stupid things about this movie to even list them. From worrying about the best running back in the draft, and the kid of a “Browns legend,” getting in a bar fight to discussing the salary cap implications of moving up from No. 7 to No. 1 like that is even a thing. No team, not a one, is concerned about these days in the NFL. There was a lockout. A new collective bargaining agreement. Maybe the writers heard of it. It was on the news a few times. There’s no worry with rookie contracts any more. The only salary cap issues come up with re-signing your own good players. I mean, does no one involved with making this movie have Twitter?
And none of that, none of it, is the dumbest moment in the movie. To begin listing the next 10 dumbest moments would be to spoil the whole thing, which I kind of feel like I should just as an act of kindness to those of you out there who haven’t yet dared watch it.
Which brings me to the ultimate question that should have been asked before this movie went into production: Who was this movie made for? Because it wasn’t for the casual football fan. Anyone that even half-way follows a team will have their face melt off by witnessing so many of the choices made, not only by Costner, but the owner of the team, the GMs of other teams and the players themselves. This movie exists in a world where there is no pre-draft coverage of any player, no interviews, no combine, no one-on-one team visits and no common sense. Everybody approaches every move and strategy as if they just suffered a catastrophic head injury.
Ivan Reitman directed Ghostbusters, for God’s sake and it was more realistic than this movie. How can you do a movie about the NFL draft if you’ve never watched an NFL draft? I’m going to spoil something for you now, even though I said I wouldn’t because I have to. I have to save you. This is sitting in your Netflix queue right now, I know it. It’s in your On Demand folder. You’ve picked the Blu Ray up and seen the $14.99 price and thought about it. I can’t let you do this to yourself.
There’s a moment in the movie, I swear to God, where a team, the Jaguars, trades the No. 6 overall pick for the Browns’ three consecutive No. 2 picks, a trade that would get everyone on the Jaguars fired on the spot. The Browns, in this very draft, have the No. 38 pick and maybe two of those can get you back into the bottom of the first round, but in the Top 10? The top six, no less? How drunk do you have to be to write that scene? How drunk do you have to be to watch it? I can only answer one of those questions.
The Final Verdict: Every hard copy of this movie should be tossed in a porta john.
