If there’s one thing we can all agree on it’s that NFL Hall of Fame defensive tackle Warren Sapp looks delicious. He looks one of those giant good steakhouse baked potatoes. You know, from one of those places they bring it to your table in an oval plate, steam rising out of the fresh-cut center. And you can take it up to the potato bar and load it up with all kinds of cheese and meat and sour cream and fixings. Mmmm mmmm. That’s good eating.
So it’s hard to blame a four-foot shark coming upon a suddenly sunken Sapp in its magical undersea kingdom for taking a nice little munch out of one of his protuberances.
This is exactly what happened this week in Florida as Sapp and some of his friends were out lobstering. Sapp got in trouble for sticking his hand into a hole. Now, the last time he did that he got busted for smacking around a prostitute but this time all it resulted in was the emergence of a shark. Sapp tried to grab it and it turned around and bit a chunk out of his arm.
Now, of all the NFL headlines I’ve ever written in my time as a sportswriter, a shark attack has never featured prominently in any of them so that alone makes this a special day. The fact that it happened because Sapp is an idiot, only makes it better. Especially since he’s OK. If he’d been seriously hurt, I could have only laughed about it alone or among my similarly dead inside friends. Now we can all enjoy it together.
Anyway, gird yourself. I’m about to post a photo of this shark bite. It’s dumb, and came as a result of human stupidity, but still, you know, it’s a shark bite.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BIYP5RWB3pj/?taken-by=twoconchs
Sapp talked about the whole thing Thursday on Rich Eisen’s podcast.
Sapp wasn’t deterred by the attack and would not be denied the lobster dinner his rotund stomach demanded. In spite of his hamburger arm, Sapp bandaged it up and went back into the water.
Shark got a little chuck of Me. We got Dinner! #Winning pic.twitter.com/prZ4NWpcWS
— Warren Sapp (@WarrenSapp) July 27, 2016
Sapp seems to be enjoying his time in the news for something other than knocking around a hooker or demanding a young NFL player not honor him in any way. He’s even selling T-Shirts on his website celebrating his epic battle with the four-foot long prehistoric sea predator. The price is a little steep, $27, but the proceeds will probably go to a good cause; the Warren Sapp Prostitute Pugilism fund.
Peyton Manning’s Sunday Mornings
Peyton Manning may be retired from football, but the best pitchman the sport has ever seen has yet to hang up his acting hat. Manning has a new set of spots out for DirecTV’s NFL Sunday ticket, espousing his new plans to enjoy the sports package now that he’s no longer being pummeled by defensive linemen and linebackers for a living.
Here’s the first one, guest starring his brother Eli.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nWHoEltGl8
Now I know you’re like me and after watching that you already have some questions. Like what the hell is wrong with Lionel Richie’s face? Was he stung by a swarm of those giant Japanese hornets? Did somebody throw a jellyfish at his head?
Let’s watch the next one and see if we can figure it out together.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGHw7KwrTnc
OK. Now I have even more questions and still no answer on what happened to Lionel Richie’s face other than an attack at the fangs of a Hercules Baboon Spider. But let’s look at Peyton here. I can understand him going around without pants at home, but he’s in public. Completely pantsless. And he’s not even got the decency to tie up the robe. It’s just hanging free.
Will the third commercial help us figure these problems out? Let’s see.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WsKUpA75qA
Nope. Lionel Richer still looks like he’s been sucking on a stonefish while Peyton is manspreading his life away on a park bench and about to be hauled off to the perv hatch. And it really costs him here because the man sitting next to him is obviously supposed to be his magical black mentor, an angel or ghost that takes the form of a wise old African America man to deliver wisdom to a white man in his time of need. We’ve all seen Bagger Vance for God’s sake. Put your penis away Peyton and learn the heartfelt wholesome lessons this messenger of color has been sent to teach you.
