This final 2014 Week 17 might set a new record for games with legitimate playoff implications. But I didn’t get into sportswriting to get up before noon or do math, so let’s go through these games and scenarios together to cover everything you’ll need to know to make your Sunday picks.
Chargers at Chiefs [-3]
This is our marquee game of the week, but with Chiefs QB Alex Smith out, it lost some of its luster and probably any chance of a Kansas City victory. San Diego needs no help to get into the playoffs, just a win and they’re in. The Chargers look to be one of the most dangerous Wild Card spoiler teams in recent memory. The Chiefs need to win and need the Ravens and Texans to both lose. With Andy Reid out of the playoffs, you might want to update those spit guards at the cheese fountain, Golden Corral. Chargers 24, Chiefs 13
Panthers at Falcons [-3.5]
Your NFC South Championship Game, ladies and gentlemen. Two losers haven’t had this much at stake since Scott Baio beat The Big Ragoo in the kayak relay race on Battle of the Network Stars. Atlanta hasn’t lost to an NFC South team this year. It’s just the rest of the league that’s been the problem. Falcons 27, Panthers 19
Lions at Packers [-7.5]
That loss to the Bills two weeks ago may have cost Green Bay home field in the NFC playoffs. A loss here and they’ll lose the division, too. The game is in Green Bay. It’s December. The Lions are a dome team and may not have a single unfrozen man-sized testicle between them when the game starts at 4:25 EST. Packers 34, Lions 17
Bengals at Steelers [-3.5]
Our third championship game of the week and the last to be played Sunday night. The Steelers haven’t been to the playoffs in three seasons and haven’t won a division title since 2010. The Bengals are your defending AFC North champs and working on their fourth consecutive playoff appearance. Cincy’s defense dominated Denver last week, but Andy Dalton still looked like Andy Dalton to me. Steelers 34, Bengals 31
Jaguars at Texans [-9.5]
Of all the potential playoff teams in the world, the Texans are the Charlie Brown-iest. Houston needs to win (with Case Keenum again) and needs the Ravens to lose (against a Connor Shaw-led Browns team) and the Chargers to lose against a Chiefs team quarterbacked by Chase Daniel, who has thrown one pass – an incompletion – all season. Sorry Texans. Get yourselves a real quarterback and try again next year. Texans 27, Jaguars 6
Browns at Ravens [-9]
The Ravens could have walked into an AFC North title two weeks ago, but after getting plowed over by the Texans last week, they might be watching at home from Baltimore. And I’ve watched The Wire, so I know that’s not where you want to be. President Obama actually confused Joe Flacco with The Interview’s James Franco a few days ago. I’m not sure which one that insults more. Ravens 45, Browns 9
Cardinals at 49ers [-6]
After teasing us all week that we’d get to see Logan Thomas under center for Arizona, Bruce Arians has decided to pull Ryan Lindley’s tag again. That QB problem should be bad news for the Cardinals, but the 49ers have their own QB problem and he’s under contract for six more seasons. Cardinals 14, 49ers 13
Rams at Seahawks [-13]
It took some crazy special teams trickery for the Rams to upset the Seahawks back on Oct. 19. Since that game the Seahawks are 8-1 and looking at home field advantage in the NFC Playoffs. The Rams? Well…. when’s the draft? Seahawks 24, Rams 19
Bills at Patriots [-5]
The Patriots have clinched everything they need to. The Bills are trying to finish with their first winning record since Bill Clinton was president. Tom Brady’s kid with Bridget Moynahan will see more of him than you will this week. Bills 24, Patriots 13
Raiders at Broncos [-14]
If any team needs a bye in the playoffs to fix things, it’s the Broncos. Luckily for them, the Raiders come to Mile High to act as their Christmas goose. Broncos 31, Raiders 16
Cowboys at Redskins [+5.5]
The Cowboys are NFC East Champs, they can’t really clinch anything extra with a win here so you’d think they’ll toss in the backups and let Romo, Murray and Bryant ride this one out on the bench. And maybe they will, but this is a rivalry the Cowboys want to win and RG3 has some contact incentives to help the Dallas defensive backs with. Cowboys 24, Redskins 20
Colts at Titans [+7]
The Colts have nothing to win or lose in this one too, except for key players with injury, so don’t expect to see Andrew Luck and Co. very long. In turn, this could really screw up Tennessee’s quest for the No. 1 pick in the NFL draft. The Titans need to lose and for the Bucs to win to get that top pick, and that’s already asking a lot. Now you’ve got to lose against the Colts’ back-ups? I believe you can do it. Colts 17, Titans 13
Jets at Dolphins [-6]
This will most likely be Rex Ryan’s final game coaching the Jets so you finally can break out those open-toed sandals you’ve got in the back of your closet, Geno Smith. Dolphins 23, Jets 20
Bears at Vikings [-6]
Jay Cutler returns under center for Chicago for what could be the last time. Marc Trestman, the Canadian Quarterback Guru, will probably be escorted out of the building with him. Vikings 27, Bears 16
Eagles at Giants [-3]
Odell Beckham Jr. will most likely play in the Pro Bowl as an alternate after getting snubbed early in the week. He’ll show the Eagles why. Mark Sanchez, it’s probably time to update that resume. Don’t leave out that time you spent working the grill at Fudruckers when you were 16. It might turn out to be more important than you think. Giants 38, Eagles 13
Saints at Buccaneers [+4]
If there ever was an opportunity for Tampa Bay to mess everything up for itself, it’s this game. Marcus Mariota is sitting right there and all the Bucs have to do is lose this game and lock down the most important position on their team, the only offensive position they’re lacking, for the next 15 years. Drew Brees and the Saints have screwed up everything else this season, so you should have no faith that they’ll beat you like they rightly should. Bucs, you’ll need to take tanking this game into your own hands, to a new level we’ve never seen. I want to see punt longsnaps soar out the back of the end zone. I want to see four laterals on a single offensive play, ending up as a New Orleans touchdown. I want to see your entire defensive line just flop over on their backs like they had a communal stroke on the goal line. You can make this dream real. Saints 27, Bucs 20
Straight up:
Last week: 9-7
Overall: 145-94-1
Against the spread:
Last week: 10-6
Overall: 112-126
